People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert

For some reason, people love to explain things they literally have no idea about. Want proof? Bring up the economy, and suddenly everyone has a Ph.D. in “Supply and demand”. Call it what you will, the result is the same, some guy starts with “Well actually,” then goes on a 5-minute tirade about something he read a Wikipedia article about one time. But sometimes the stars align, and there’s an actual expert in the room, ready to tear this jerk apart. That’s where we come in. We scoured the globe for stories of sweet, sweet, karma where an expert fully schooled some know-it-all and compiled the best stories here for your reading pleasure.

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
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40. The store likely rhymed with “West Why”

I was in a computer store getting a cable or something for a PC build, the customer next to me flags down the sales guy and asks to buy a sound card for their laptop.

The sales guy looks at the lady like an idiot, then goes on for a minute or so about how they don’t even make such a product. I got a PCMCIA sound card off the shelf behind the sales guy and handed it to the customer, then walked away.

longtimegoneMTGO

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
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39. I don’t know if it’s fair to say you won. Your sample size is one and you haven’t given us your margin for error

I have a masters in biostatistics and I did my research in survey methodology for a national health survey. Had someone try to explain to me that all surveys are fake news, basically, and that they shouldn’t be used in scientific research. It basically boiled down to him not understanding what representative samples are and also thinking that most people who take surveys just lie for the hell of it and can’t possibly be telling the truth, I guess. I pretty much just let him go on being wrong after a couple of comments back and forth because I got bored with arguing. He couldn’t come up with a better alternative though, so I like to think I won.

themorethenerdier

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
Image by Andreas Breitling from Pixabay

38. Move over! I have a first aid certificate!

I’m by no means an expert or doctor, but I’ve got a trauma care qualification through the fire service. Came across a male in the street, after a night shift, who had had a seizure and come off his bike. I grabbed a blanket from my car and ran to help. I was assessing him, there was a LOT of blood and he wasn’t responsive so I was starting to work through my assessment whilst telling a passerby to call 999 and another to run 100yards up the road to the nearby station and tell them to come down.

Suddenly some woman with an “I want to speak to your manager” haircut appears, declares she is a carer and everyone needs to move. I was thankful for some help if I’m honest as he had begun to fit again. She starts pinning the dude to the ground and telling someone to stick his wallet in his mouth. I started to freak out and tell people not to do what she was telling them to and tried to get her off him. She told me to get off and let someone who knew what they were doing deal with it.

I didn’t bother arguing. I took over the 999 call as the member of the public was struggling to give the right info. I explained the situation, gave them my casualty assessment, then the fire crew arrived. To say I was thankful when they jumped out and told her to get off the dude and spoke to me on a first name basis is an understatement.

Her face dropped. Casualty handed over effectively. Turned on his side, o2 administered, warmed up in a blanket and loaded onto the ambulance when it arrived.

thewrathofsloth17

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

37. That’s a big oof

I was being discharged from a week-long hospital stay (GI) and even though I was ready to go home, I was still having some bouts of nausea. I had been getting Zofran as an inpatient, and asked the nurse if the discharging provider could send in a script for a few doses. In a sweet, sickly voice, she said: “Oh honey, Zofran only comes in IV form.” I replied with: “Oh honey, I’m a pharmacist, and can assure you it also comes in tablets, liquid, and oral-disintegrating tabs.” She fumbled a bit, then mumbled something about checking with the doctor and quickly exited the room. I may not have perfectly mimicked her condescending tone, but I sure tried.

squirrel93

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
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36. This is the medical emergency of “I am the manager, ma’am”

I was walking through the mall around Christmastime. I had along wool coat on, and had only left work 20 minutes earlier. I needed to get some last minute shopping done, so to the mall I went on the way home.

Well, I came across a man who had fallen. He was bleeding from the back of his head and actively seizing and a man had grabbed him and was trying to jam a pen into the seizing man’s mouth, ostensibly under the old delusion of sticking something in seizing people’s mouths to keep them from biting their tongue off.

I jumped in and pulled the man’s hand away, cleared and opened the seizing man’s airway being careful NOT to get my fingers near his mouth.

The man shouted “Who do you think you are, my cousin had seizures and this is what we always did.

I told him, “I know what I’m doing, sir, please step back.”

The guy was obviously annoyed, and started mumbling things like, “Guy tells me off… if he dies it’s his fault.”

The man was in no danger, the laceration on his head wasn’t bad, but a person at the kiosk handed me a towel and I held it against the wound a while keeping his airway open.

He wasn’t having any trouble breathing and waited for the appropriate personnel to arrive.

Eventually, a cop comes over along with two medics, and Mr. know-it-all jumps in front of the cop to complain about me and my “behavior.” The cop is pretty much ignoring the guy. I stand up while the injured guy is coming around, then we move him to the stretcher and put some gauze pads on his head wound.

The man finding no purchase with the cop starts in on one of the medics. “I tried to get something in his mouth but this guy wouldn’t let me, he thinks he is special or something.”

To which the medic calmly says, “Well he should, he is my supervisor.”

The cop is hiding his laughter, and the man just storms off, and I get to go scrub blood off my hands.

It was a very satisfying wash, however.

cptderekwildstar

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
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35. Now that’s what I call a victory royale

I’ve been in martial arts (tae kwon do, specifically) for 14 years, and I’m a 4th-degree black belt. I don’t claim to know everything, not even close, but I do know what I’m talking about.

At my university, I decided to try out the tae kwon do club on campus. It was the first day I was trying it, and I didn’t know if we were supposed to wear uniforms or not, so I went in with workout clothes but brought my full gear just in case.

Before the class started, one of the leaders (who was wearing a 2nd degree black belt, nothing to sniff at, but still a difference of 5 years of training) came up to me and started explaining the general protocol of class and offered to stand next to me during the class to show me how to do the different steps. Throughout all of this, he seemed annoyed that he was having to explain everything, and generally like he didn’t want new, inexperienced students.

I politely agreed and asked if we should wear our uniforms for the class. He explained that if we had them we should, but it wasn’t a problem if I didn’t have one. I explained that I did have one, and said I’d be right back, then proceeded to go change into my uniform.

His eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw me walk out with my instructor’s uniform and 4th-degree belt.

ArchAngel9175

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
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34. How to save a life

I was working as a lifeguard and I just get back to the stand after taking a crap and I see an old lady dropping a gopher tortoise in the water. I fished it out, and yelled at her for dropping it in the water. This conversation actually ensued:

“This is not a sea turtle! These guys do not belong in the ocean!”

“Yes, they do! They’re turtles and they live near water. That’s not a tortoise, that’s a sea turtle!”

“You see his back feet? You see how they’re stumpy and not fins? Do you see how this guy has a small horn right here and a dome shell? Sea turtles have flat shells and flippers that don’t have claws. This guy obviously has claws. I’ve raised these kinds of tortoises for over 18 years and I can tell you that this is a gopher tortoise, which is a protected species here.”

“No! That’s a turtle!”

“Wrong. A turtle would have swum off and I wouldn’t have him in my hands. What you did to this tortoise constitutes for multiples felonies. Drop another tortoise in the water and I’ll make sure you get arrested.”

Her jaw dropped as I walked away furiously with the tortoise

Estrad7

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
Image by Paul Brennan from Pixabay

33. This is how you pick your battles

I overheard my Italian-American coworker telling another coworker that tiramisu is Japanese. His explanation was pretty in-depth. According to him, the Japanese invented it, which is why it has the phonetic structure that it does (he even pronounced it with a Japanese accent Ti-Ra-Mi-Su), but that the French had perfected it, creating the modern version most people are familiar with.

I’m also Italian-American. Tiramisu is Italian for “pick me up”. I didn’t have the heart to destroy him in front of our other coworker, but I laugh quietly to myself now whenever someone mentions tiramisu.

[deleted]

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
Pixabay

32. Won’t somebody please call a doctor?

I am a doctor in the UK. I went for my compulsory basic training day to learn to ride a motorbike and I was in a group of 6 others, it was a very hot day and none of us were used to being in full leathers. One of the group members overheated and felt faint and sick so took some time out and went to sit down, I went to get him some water and to see if he’s ok but the instructor freaked out and told me to stay away and call for help (the guy was alert and sat up he just needed to cool off) I again tried to just go over and see if the overheated guy was ok but the instructor kept yelling at me to keep back and that he will handle this, he was completely panicking and yelling at someone to call 999 as the guy was quite sweaty and faint.

After multiple attempts of telling the instructor that I’m a doctor and if I could just go and see if the guys ok we may not need to call an ambulance, he then eventually listened. After 10 mins of cooling down and some water, the guy was fine and got picked up. We carried on with our training but not after the instructor asked me how long I’d been a nurse for and why I went into nursing (I’m female and this happens a lot).

phlebolith

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
Pixabay

31. What a fool

I was working with a scaffolding company right after I finished my degree while looking for a job in mining engineering.

We came across some pyrite and one of the guys thought it was gold. I basically explained it’s not because it’s hard, to which he replied with “what are you some kind of rock specialist?”

My answer was a polite but firm “yes.”

Engineer_ThorW_Away

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
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30. Something, something, “states rights”

I had a friend of a friend try to explain the causes and effects of the American Civil War to me at a backyard party. I kept trying to take part in the conversation and he kept interrupting me.

Finally, our mutual friend, overhearing our conversation AKA this guy’s lecture, leans in and says, “You know she got her grad degree in this, right?”

I’d love to say that learning about my credentials, so to speak, changed the tone or course of our conversation, but it didn’t. Somehow it intensified his need to explain a topic I can literally teach a class on to me. Classic.

zephyrune

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
Wikimedia

29. The real question is: What had she been eating?

Long ago I worked as the cheese guy at Whole Foods, where we were trained that NO MATTER WHAT the customer is always right.

A lady came up to me, critical that I didn’t have the ostrich cheese prominently displayed.

Ostriches are birds. Cheese comes from milk… milk comes from…

Nothing like getting called an idiot and “societal scum who probably can’t read” by a woman who thinks ostrich cheese exists.

I had just graduated from a top university and was working at Whole Foods briefly after hurricane Katrina.

What a wild ride.

this_will_go_poorly

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
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28. A true genius

A contractor was asking if I knew how sag in a traffic signal span wire worked and asked if I ever took physics in high school. I told him I had a bachelor’s of civil engineering, so he asked if I had my professional engineers license and I said “yes do you?” (I knew that he didn’t.) He didn’t answer and we finished the conversation. Then I watched him walk across the parking lot and realize he locked his keys in his truck.

pinkpiggle

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
Image by WikimediaImages from Pixabay

27. If that was how soap worked, you would dissolve in the shower

I had a guy come into my chemistry lab and describe how soap breaks carbon chains down into elemental carbon, letting it be washed away. I just let it slide, he was so committed. As long as you’re reading, soap forms micelles (microbubbles) to trap dirt and oil. The outside of the bubble is water attracting, which allows the dirt bubble to be washed away. No, specifically chemical reactions take place.

As for surface tension, this is indeed part of the action. Before forming micelles, the soap molecules move to the surface of the water and break up the net of water (hence breaking surface tension). Add a micro drop of oil/dirt and the soap will form the micelle around it.

anon67543

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
roughmaps

26. Where’s your god now?

I once worked for a small company where I did software development, wrote the documentation, and even fielded tech support calls about a product I’d worked on when the tier 1 support (not that we called it that) couldn’t figure it out.

At one point I had a customer tell me what a particular statement in a manual meant. They claimed it stated that the software we sold was only compatible with three or four programs, when in fact it listed those programs as examples of other programs it would work with. It would actually work with most programs of that type (specifically Apple IIgs 16-bit GUI software rather than the 8-bit Apple II software).

I had the pleasure of telling the customer that I had in fact written that manual and my interpretation of that sentence was canonical.

kindall

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
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25. 98% of statistics are made up on the spot 42% of the time

I was picked up by an old taxi driver on my way to a skatepark with my skateboard. He rudely demanded to know where I had been skateboarding (nowhere yet, I was on my way to the park). He informed me that if I collided with someone his age on the sidewalk they had an 80% chance of dying from a brain hemorrhage.

I politely informed him that this was unlikely and that I hadn’t been skating on the sidewalk. He then told me to ‘ask anyone in the medical profession’ and they will confirm it.

I then politely informed him that I’m an ER doctor and he changed his manner with me completely and became very respectful and interested once he realized I wasn’t ‘just’ some skater punk.

5amwinner

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
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24. There’s a theory that if anyone actually does figure out Google’s SEO algorithm, Google will change it overnight

My little brother’s friend who has worked in marketing for 6 months tried to explain how he “cracked” Google’s SEO algorithm and could get anything to the front page of Google in a week. I’ve worked knee-deep in SEO for almost a decade and I still have little to no idea what drives the algorithm other than speculation and trial and error. I just smiled and nodded while he told me image file names play a huge role in page ranking.

moderate_extremist

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert

23. Nap rooms seem like a waste of space

The new guy on base shows up and immediately starts asking where the nap room is. We explain there is no nap room to which he gets super upset and starts ranting about “well GOOGLE has a nap room”. Dude, go work at Google then. About an hour later he wants to know where the “snack room” is. Again, we’re on a military base in Kyrgyzstan, there are no snack rooms but you can walk literally next door to the chow hall and grab some food if you’re hungry. Dude went ballistic. Throwing things around, screaming his head off. We had to call Security Forces to come to get him. He gets arrested, then banned from the base. First day on the job, two hours in. Weirdest stuff I’ve ever seen a new guy do.

Brewsleroy

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
Sol Foot

22. Roll for burn damage

I’m a young woman who has been playing Dungeons and Dragons (and similar roleplaying games) since I was a child. Almost two decades now. I’ve played almost every week in some way or another for the last 10ish years. I actually have a side job writing system agnostic content for tabletop RPGs. Almost every time I encounter a new group or talk about my interest in a public setting (say a party or something) some dude has to come out of the woodwork and try to explain to me how the game works. I’ve become very good at casually mentioning how long I’ve been playing. Usually, that gets the hint across but some still keep right on going.

faery_fairly_fine

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
Image by Ana Carolina Franco from Pixabay

21. Computers are scary though

Had a cashier get snooty with me when I told him he needed to hit f5 to get back from the credit card screen. He went into a several minute tirade about how he had been using the software for years and that’s not how it worked then explained something about computers than on a tangent about how they log his key presses then something about the servers upstairs and how the connected to the cloud. I finally had to interrupt him with “dude I helped write this software, nothing you said it’s right” he then stormed off from the register and I just stood there awkward till a manager showed up, and pressed f5.

Mostlyaverageish

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
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20. Seems like everyone “knows a guy who was in the navy”

I was getting a drink at an airport bar next to some guys talking about the recent strikes in Syria. The guy said they launched Tomahawks off the aircraft carrier. I spoke up kind of friendly that it was from a carrier strike group not the carrier itself. He said no they launch Tomahawks from the aircraft carrier. I said no they launch tomcats the aircraft off carriers but Tomahawk missiles only launch from destroyers cruisers and subs.

Cue about 5min of him explaining how he knew a guy who was in the Navy and he was pretty sure he knew what he was talking about. Mind you this was a friendly conversation so I got to smile and drop the bomb on him in an all around good way. I was a Tomahawk Fire Controlman in the Navy and helped Launch Area coordinate in the Red Sea during the gas attack crisis.

Pencilowner

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
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19. I was in that band before it was cool

One of my ex’s party where most people had a boring IT job including me. People in those parties had this tendency to showcase how insanely cool their life was. This guy ( long hair, beard, tattoo ) in particular decided to have an argument with me and started telling me that my taste in music sucks and that I should start listening to some of the non-main stream stuff. When I asked him to name a few artists he mentioned a few names. I told him to look up the guitar player for one of those bands he mentioned which was me. It felt good.

He looked at me in disbelief and thought I was messing with him. He didn’t believe when my ex tried telling him and responded by saying “I am not that Hammered yet”. It could be because I had completely changed my appearance (cut my hair short, clean shaved). Everybody around was finding the whole thing entertaining. He looked me up on Facebook and after that, he was convinced. Gave a hug, Took a picture with me before leaving. Showed up to one of our concerts after that. I gave him free drink coupons.

diablo681

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
Image by William Iven from Pixabay

18. Okay, but counterpoint, no

So I’m working on a Ph.D. in math. Every Friday, some friends from my department and I go to happy hour at this pretty chill bar downtown to play pool. There was one Friday that we were particularly sucking, but weren’t exactly trying our hardest — we’ve probably been trying to sink the last 3 balls for about 4 rounds at this point, when this guy at the table next to ours saunters over and in his infinite, tipsy wisdom proceeds to tell 4 math grad students that pool is as “easy as identifying tangent lines. It’s all about the tangent lines.”

It took about 2 minutes of this guy trying to explain this to us before my friend chimes in with, “yeah, we’re all working on Ph.D.’s in math — we know plenty about tangent lines. Let me give you a counterexample to explain why you’re wrong.” The guy’s eyes got so wide. He didn’t say much to us after that.

tacosandtopology

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
Image by PIRO4D from Pixabay

17. The pioneers used to ride these babies for miles

Regarding things like engines, cars, airplanes, etc. and about flying in general (I was an Aircraft Mechanic, USAF, and a student pilot at one time) I usually just laugh it off… sometimes simply restating the facts correctly without making an argument over it.

One time though comes to mind that was dang funny. I was looking at cars in a showroom, just there to look, at a Jaguar dealer. The salesman starts talking to me and my friend about the v12 in the ( 1970’s) jaguar XL12. He’s going on about the engine and why it’s so fast and finally goes: “It’s got the same fuel injection system as an F4 fighter jet.”

So I say “Really?!” acting all impressed and surprised.

“The same fuel injection as a General Electric J79 turbojet? Funny since that burns JP4 which is basically a gasoline and kerosene mix, How does that work?”

He just stopped mid-sentence and walked out of the showroom. I didn’t see him again as long as we were there looking around.

SonofHarold

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert

16. Have you tried turning it off and on again?

I used to work IT for a team that designed and built computer chipsets. One of the engineers was having a problem powering off a computer.

I offered my advice thus: “Press and hold the power button for at least 5 seconds, that should force a shutdown.”

“Uh, I wrote the BIOS for this chipset. I’m sure that won’t work,” he retorted.

I pressed the power button, counted silently to 5, and the computer shut itself off. He roared with laughter and later admitted that he’d forgotten that his brother helped him with a few things on that project.

At least he had a sense of humor about it.

FnDork

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
Image by James Osborne from Pixabay

15. This guy 100% is the villain from every 1980’s movie

My background has always been in tech (20+ years) which most people glaze over once it’s mentioned – family and friends especially.

I was working for a startup that was developing an anti-fraud solution (details blurred for privacy) and was working as the product lead before product management was a proper thing. This meant doing a very deep dive into the standards, the tech, the industry etc. etc.

The team I led produced a few really cool pieces of work and I’m named on a number of patents as a result as well as industry publications etc.

As a result of this in-depth knowledge I was honored to be asked and so consulted with law enforcement agencies (nationally and internationally) on anti-fraud initiatives for over a decade, worked on over 300 criminal cases, attended court as the state expert witness in dozens of cases – you get the idea – I had a bit of a clue.

Cue a couple of years after leaving that space (fraud doesn’t pay well for honest people) and I was invited to attend the leaving party of a senior banking guy – he ran retail fraud for one of the biggest high street banks and I’d made him look very good over the years.

Of course, I’m not in the game anymore so not everyone would recognize me so I’m chatting to the people I knew and making my way around the room as per normal until I get to the circle of the guest of honor. I’m greeted with a big handshake and a bit of banter – the usual “what are you at these days etc.” and I’m introduced to the group by my new role (completely unrelated industry)

One guy in the circle is middle management and is obviously using this party as a networking opportunity with the “higher management” and is a bit put out so I’m guessing that I’m probably interrupting his flow.

For whatever reason, he decides that the way to make himself look better is to compare the state of my new industry to the bright and shining new financial tech world.

He waxes lyrical about how all of the new tech solutions were making everything so responsive blah blah blah and being a bit of a jerk, to be honest, so when he mentioned fraud rates I decided to steer him down that path…

Suffice to say he described how the bank had internally reviewed their approach to how fraud was proactively managed, how the new systems were developed and how his teams were industry leading etc.

He proceeded to tell me that I could learn a lot from everything that they’d done as my current role and company (top 3 global pharma company) was obviously in the dark ages in comparison and that I could personally learn a lot.

At this point, the retiree was almost in tears and nearly fell over when I turned and asked him directly “So that transformation program is still delivering the expected results?”

That was the point Mr. Jerk found out that I was the program director that ran the 8 teams of internal resources and external vendors for 14 months and delivered his world.

Not sure he ever properly recovered professionally from screwing up in front of his senior management.

wake_iw

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
Image by Photo Mix from Pixabay

14. Cut to some dude snorting pixie sticks

I have a Ph.D. in chemistry but I also look like a dirty hippy… so this happens pretty frequently, unfortunately.

My mom’s boyfriend tried to tell me that a certain illegal white powdery substance and sugar are basically the same things because they have the same number of carbon and oxygen atoms. (They don’t BTW.)

Instead of just laughing in his face, I tried to explain that the way atoms in molecules are connected to one another plays a HUGE role in the properties of that molecule.

He then told me that the university had “brainwashed me”.

That’s when I laughed in his face.

melodiesNmolecules

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
Image by 955169 from Pixabay

13. A fool and their money are easily parted

I did my apprenticeship as a Hotelfachmann (hotel specialist) here in Germany. I’m far away from being an expert on wine and other drinks, but I have pretty solid knowledge of how they’re made, how to decide what wine goes well with what kind of food and so on.

Countless times I had arrogant snobs in front of me that that wanted to show off in front of friends or their girl.

One of my absolute favorites was a guy with his female colleague and he had the “authority” to sign the bills for their stay. After he started off with a lot of nonsense he asked what grapes were used for the … wine. He just said the grape to me, because he couldn’t differentiate between the wines name and the grapes, so I just repeated it. After that, he asked me what’s the second one. After a bit of confusion and chit chat, it turned out the guy thought that that rose wine is just a mix of red and white wine…

The best part was the girl told me the next day that she grew up in one of the biggest wine growing districts here and almost her whole family works in the business. The wine was still good and expensive enough to keep her mouth shut.

Zee-Utterman

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

12. Looks like you need an amplification matrix to defibrillate your ISP

An internet tech was trying to blame my bad internet on wifi being “imperfect” and speeds and loss varies on conditions and location and other measurable factors, etc. So I played along and went huh, what about hard-wired to the router. Yep, the same issues can occur. Huh. I own an ISP in California. I’ve been a tech for 27 years. Ethernet is not wifi pal. Let him go all in, then drop the truth. Told him to not assume by using industry only jargon, it will make your lack of experience and professionalism invisible.

Oh, so now you’re gonna escalate that trouble at the head end?

johncandyspolkaband

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
roughmaps

11. Feels good to be a gangsta

I was invited to dinner at someone’s home and there was a grand piano there. Guests were trying to play (badly) to the point the host closed the piano and said, “If you can play Chopin’s Military March, then you’re allowed to play.” I’m a piano teacher and this song is not difficult. I sat at the bench and this lady stopped me before I lifted the lid.

I looked at her and said, “Chopin’s Military March, opus 40, number 1, in A major, right?!” She gave me a “humph!” And said “let’s see you play it.” I played the whole piece… WITH all the repeats. Didn’t miss a note.

Bednars_lovechild69

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
Image by Steve Buissinne from Pixabay

10. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic

Every once in a while, tech support will escalate an issue to me, and I’ll have to listen to a customer try to explain to me how my own program works.

I don’t care how many times you tell me that “It won’t sync to the cloud”. An application that doesn’t even connect to the internet, has never, and will never, do that.

Doom87er

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
Computer World

9. This guy has a future in politics

I was working a bicycle race (time trial – all the racers start at different times, so the fastest elapsed time wins), and the guy next to me was the race director.

A beginner participant came up after a race and told us we scored him 11 seconds slow – and that he had won the race by more than 5 seconds. I asked him how he knew (and checked our equipment with a resolution of 0.0005 seconds). Perhaps he could show us his cycle-computer / timer? And he said, “Well, I counted in my head. I forgot to start my timer for a bit there.”

So, when we refused to change his time (and have him overwhelmingly win the race), he threw a fit. He started yelling, threatening to call the police for ‘stealing’ his prize money and entry fee. My partner told him to calm down, so the chubby 40-year-old bike racer yelled, “WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BIKE RACING?!”

My partner? Literal Olympic gold medalist in bike racing. 1984. Los Angeles.

persondude27

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
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8. Imagine caring this much and still be wrong

I take shifts serving in the taproom to make extra money and keep my ear to the ground so to speak. My personal favorite are the guys (usually extract home brewers) who somehow try to impress and belittle me at the same time by arguing with me about brews I literally developed the recipe for, prepared, and babysat all the way to the tap. Most recent went something like this:

“Well I’m leaning toward the blonde but this IPA is really great. Single malt, Simcoe hops amirite? Yeah, they’re all the rage nowadays but I’ve been brewing them at home for years.”

“Right on, man, nice to meet the competition. Glad you like the IPA, the malt bill is actually pretty diverse – some special b and Munich for flavor, some oats, and wheat to round it out. No Simcoe in this one actually but you’re probably picking up some citrusy tropical notes from the calypso and galaxy in the whirlpo–“

“That’s gotta be a different brew. I know Simcoe when I taste it, and this is Simcoe. I’ve been brewing with it for years! One time I won an award for my Simcoe! Maybe you oughta learn more about the brews you’re serving so you can keep up in conversations with real nerds like me, eh, sweetheart?”

“…cool. Will do.”

keenestpeach

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
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7. Who has two thumbs and knows more about this then you do? This guy!

I am a lawyer. One of my clients showed me a court ruling and demanded I started the same proceeding for him. Tried to explain that there were several reasons why it would not work for him and proposed a different route. He insisted his case was exactly the same and it would be an easy win. I tried to explain again. He says, “Well what do you know about it?” “Err…. Look at that ruling again. See who’s listed as the plaintiff’s lawyer?” (Spoiler, it was me.)

Oh, that was delicious.

AffectionatePanic

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
Image by witwiccan from Pixabay

6. Can we get an ice pack over here?

Went to a boxing class. One of the newer (I noticed by his experience) guys started teaching me how to jab right off the bat and I just went with it. Then started teaching me how to move etc. I never asked him to he approached me and just started.

Then came sparring and I beat the tar out of him.

That’s when he found out he probably should have asked if I boxed before.

OssToYouGoodSir

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
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5. This entire list could just be called “mansplaining”

One of the first times I worked out in a new gym, I had some guy try to tell me how I was doing an exercise wrong (I wasn’t). After listening to his (very) poor explanation of how to do it “right” (of which he still was incorrect), I set him straight, broke down his biomechanics of why he was wrong, dropped some more science on him, and then informed him that not only did I have a masters in exercise science, I was a certified personal trainer and trained military for a living.

Bottom line, just because I’m a girl in a gym, don’t assume I don’t know what I’m doing.

CoffeeAndKBs

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
Image by klimkin from Pixabay

4. This guy has clearly never met a cook before

I’ve been working in kitchens for over 20 years. Had an owner recently (who wasn’t the person that hired me, his executive chef did) take one look at me, and since I have a lot of tattoos and had a beard at the time, decided because of my looks that I obviously know nothing about cooking and whatnot. It made work a nightmare for me.

This owner had never once worked a day in a restaurant or kitchen and thought he knew everything because he watched the food network. His restaurant lost over a million dollars that he put into it because of his idiot mismanagement. All of us in the kitchen had more years of accumulated experience than he had been alive, yet he didn’t want anything to do with any of our suggestions.

[deleted]

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3. On the bright side, he has time to wash his own mug now

I used to work in an air traffic control tower. We would fairly often have new pilots visit and see the airport and what happens from the air traffic control side of things.

I was on a break when a particular pilot was visiting and was the only female air traffic controller in that workplace. The visiting pilot finishes his cup of coffee, hands me the mug and says “wash that, would you love.”

By the time he’d returned to his aircraft, my break was over. He, unfortunately, found himself at the back of a rather long departure queue. I wanted him to have some time listening to the frequency and absorbing the fact that if a woman is in a professional environment she’s probably not the tea lady.

Likealittleteapot

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
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2. Rocked their world

I’m a competitive rock climber. One day a few college-age guys came into the gym I train at and clearly thought they were the best rock climbers in the world. They knew a handful of climbing specific vernacular and that was it. They, however, thought they could “help” me on a route I was on. I wasn’t just climbing, I was doing a sort of exercise but they were oblivious to that. The two guys kept talking about what I should do. I kept nodding and saying ok.

Then things turned, one of the guys said “Hey don’t feel bad though, girls just aren’t good at rock climbing,” and that was when I was done with their shenanigans. I waited for about an hour till they were working on one specific route and asked if I could hop in. The same guy as earlier was like “Don’t feel bad if you can’t get it, this one’s hard” I flew up it. The guy just stood there baffled, I just walked away, that might be the most technically balanced and flawless climbing I have ever done.

haydenmaybefinch

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1. The world could always use more heroes

We had a new person show up and maybe she was just cranky from the 12-hour trans-Atlantic flight or something. But when shown her new office/desk area she immediately started complaining about there being dust (it was Baghdad, dust is everywhere). She’s being vocal about it when two men walk by. They hear her and ask what the issue is. She starts complaining that it’s her first night/arrival here and she was disrespected by being shown a ‘dirty’ desk. So one of the guys rummages around and finds some wipes and starts cleaning up the ‘offensive’ area. She complained about her flight and about several things as the guy just silently wiped stuff down.

She was nice enough to say thanks and he and the other guy left. Then in a curious tone, she asked who he was. Our coworker was like, “The country manager just cleaned your desk for you.” Her face dropped.

I filed that away for a few reasons. One is that you’re never too good to do the jobs you expect of your subordinates (him cleaning her desk). Two is that there’s something special about humility and common courtesy (not throwing around status). And three that there’s no reason to make people feel bad just because you can (not trying to correct her or embarrass her by tossing around authority).

Zemykitty

People From Around The World Share The Time They Schooled A Fake Expert
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