Ben Franklin compared house guests to fish because they both start to stink after a few days. Sometimes, guests don’t even have to stay the night to get all up in your grill and ruin your life. You may not have any control over the people you’re related to, but you’re well within your rights to kick them out of your house if they pull any of these cheap tricks.
35. Don’t Hate The Player
A friend of my dad lost his house, and we had a former B&B so we invited them to stay with us. We housed and fed them for weeks while they found another place. For that, we got roaches, criticisms of our food (my dad was the executive chef at a freaking country club and was a darned fine cook), but that wasn’t the worst for me, then in my late teens.
The day they left, I went to play my favorite game on PlayStation: Sled Storm. Couldn’t find it. Overturned everything, but I couldn’t find it. In searching, I noticed something even worse. My SNES, all games, and half my N64 games were missing in addition to Sled Storm. They had stayed with us as a favor and stolen half my stuff that I had paid for with birthday money saved up over years. Screw those people.
34. An Apple A Day
A guy came in, and when no one was looking, took a single bite out of every single apple in the counter basket.
33. Christmas Present Catastrophe
My grandpa was a carpenter and for Christmas when I was around six or seven, he made me the most intricate and beautiful dollhouse imaginable. It had electrical fittings with tiny chandeliers, it had furniture, it had fireplaces and doors, wallpaper, you name it.
My mum organised a play date at our house a few months into the new year. I remember watching in horror as the chandeliers were ripped from the ceilings, doors ripped off their hinges etc. It wasn’t wear and tear, it was mindless. I ran crying to my mum and the other mum of my play date. The other mum laughed it off and said that’s why she won’t get expensive things for her daughter.
It absolutely broke my heart, and probably my grandpa’s too. As such a careful and thoughtful child, I hope someone explained to him it wasn’t me that destroyed the dollhouse so quickly.
The older I get, the more I realize what an awful thing that child did, and moreover how the parent handled it. I still think about it now. I hope I can restore it if I ever have children of my own.
32. Put The Knife In The Coconut
My ex-wife’s sister used a $150 chef’s knife to try to crack open a coconut in my kitchen. She dented it all over and also bent the tip somehow. She then said it must be a cheap knife because her sister in Thailand cuts them open super easy with a cleaver. It’s one bright side of divorce that I never have to suffer her presence ever again.
31. Shave And A Haircut
I let a neighbor lady come over with her two young daughters to use our shower because her slacker husband hadn’t paid the water bill. I went upstairs to the bathroom after they left, the bathtub was clogged with pubic hair. All over—the sides of the tub, bottom of the shower curtain, everywhere. Apparently, she decided to change her hairstyle from 1970s’ Hustler to Y2KPenthouse….
30. Dump And Ditch
Once, a friend was sleeping on my boyfriend’s couch after a night of drinking. We woke up the next morning, and the only bathroom was locked from the inside—no answer. I just KNEW he was dead. After quite some time, we were able to jimmy something that could unlock the door, only to find the bathroom empty and no friend. He had filled up the little bathroom trashcan with diarrhea and fled in the night.
29. The Ex-Laws
My in-laws hated me. We invited them over for Thanksgiving dinner and, upon arrival, they asked me to leave and come back a few hours later because they wanted to “follow their tradition of preparing the meal alone as a family.” They are now my ex-in-laws.
28. A Floater Between Friends
My wife and I let one of her classmates stay over one night a week during a semester of grad school rather than commute an hour on questionable roads during the winter. The classmate in question would take the vilest poos in our guest bathroom and never flush… Needless to say, our relationship soured after that…
27. Flushing The Relationship
I had some relatives over, and despite very, very clear instructions to not flush feminine products down the toilet, they did anyway. Destroyed our septic field, almost $10,000 in damages overall. When confronted, they just denied it, despite the fact that the 32 pads that were pulled out of the system match the brand that they had while they were over.
26. Grandma Knows Less
My grandma visited from out-of-state for my high school graduation. She stayed for two weeks past my graduation, threw a fit if I tried to sleep past nine a.m., and told my mom that she needed to work less so she could clean the house better.
25. X-Rated Tattletale
A friend looked at my search history and saw I had watched porn and called my mom from downstairs to tell her about it.
24. Taking All The Takeout
One of my best mates came to spend the night, so my folks decided to splash out and get Chinese takeout for everyone.
I come from a family of seven, so he made eight people. We got five or six dishes and two big tubs of fried rice. My mate helped himself to the entire first tub and, when confronted about it by me, helpfully pointed out that there was still another tub.
For the seven of us.
23. Secrets Of A Bedwetter
I had two Australian kids staying at my house for a baseball tournament one time. One of them was a chronic bed-wetter but never told us. He stayed for five nights and peed the bed each night without telling us. Instead, each night he pushed whatever he peed on to the end of the bed. The first night, the sheets; second night, the actual mattress protector to stop any pee from getting to it. (It was a bunk bed my brothers and I slept on as children) and lastly, he peed directly on the mattress for three nights. He ruined the mattress and we had no idea until he left. The real kicker, though, is when he took a nap on our new couch. Peed all over it and then fled the scene and we assumed the dog had done it, until we saw the bed…
I think that is something you should tell people who open their home to you so they can prepare. And please, don’t sleep on the couch if you know you have a problem. I feel like its more common then most people realize and I honestly just feel bad for him. I wish he could have been honest with us so we could have helped him out a bit.
22. Medicine Cabinet Mishap
The guest stole medicine out of my bathroom after eating my food and smoking all my cigs that were on the table. I know they stole the medicine because of the blood-curdling scream that came out of the bathroom because the medicine they ingested was the pills from a UTI. They numb your biz but make you pee bright red. Dummy thought he was dying. I didn’t even invite him, he was a roommate’s guest.
21. A Double Disaster
While sober: Drank directly out of my milk carton.
While wasted: Urinated on my standing bedroom fan.
20. If It Ain’t Broke…
Uncle tried to fix our computer. (It wasn’t broken.) He then broke it. Did the same to our perfectly working dishwasher. Then he denied everything.
19. Auntie Makes Four
My parents were coming to visit from the opposite coast for the first time since I’d moved away, planning to stay in my guest room for the week. My aunt invited herself along at the last minute, guilting me into giving her my bedroom, leaving me on the couch. Then, in the morning, she complained that my bedroom TV didn’t work properly (it didn’t have cable—it was just set up with a Chromecast).
I also had to change all the reservations I’d made for three to now be four and had to sell tickets to a performance I bought because it was sold out and I couldn’t get a fourth ticket for the aunt to join us.
18. Fork You
Stole my forks. Such an odd thing to take from someone but they stole them. They weren’t even fancy ones. Literally cheap forks you buy at Walmart. Like the ones that are like four for a couple bucks.
17. Employee Of The Month
A colleague was coming into town for a meeting. I invited him to stay with me so he didn’t have to stay with our boss. I specifically told him that the beer in the fridge wasn’t mine and asked him not to drink it. Well, not only did he drink all my roommate’s beer while I slept and refused to replace it, but he also trashed my apartment. All the cupboards left open, toilet unflushed, beer cans and cigarettes everywhere. Yeah, he smoked inside. The following day, he made me so uncomfortable in my own home by repeatedly telling me that he was disappointed that we didn’t sleep together and that he thought that’s why I invited him to stay with me. He knows that I live in a work apartment and that we have a guest room specifically for company employees that travel to the city.
16. Aunt Flo Came To Town
Someone left nasty used feminine-hygiene items laying on the bathroom floor.
It was during a party, so I’m still not 100% on who it was.
15. Unnatural Redhead
Dyed her hair red in our bathroom sink—staining the brand new granite countertop. She then dripped onto the new tile floor, then dripped onto the hardwood floor in the hallway, and ultimately slept in our guest bed with wet, freshly-dyed red hair—staining the sheets and pillowcase.
14. Beanie Battles
One of my friends in kindergarten wanted a Beanie Baby I had and when I told her she couldn’t have it. She took it away from me and tried to flush it down the toilet. Then, when the toilet started overflowing and my mom came in, she started crying and said I did it.
We did not stay friends.
13. The Great Goldfish Murders
I was a kid, probably nine or ten, and my mom had a friend and her son over for lunch. The kid disappeared for about 10 minutes, and at the time, I thought he had gone to the bathroom cause I really had to go. So when he came back I quickly maneuvered my way past him into the room before the bathroom, where we had a fish tank. This would be completely irrelevant if the fish tank wasn’t cloudy and swirling about. At first glance I didn’t know what it was until I noticed smashed and ripped apart pieces of little fish faces moving around in the swirl. The kid reached into the fish tank and squeezed the ever-loving life out of every single fish in that tank.
12. Sticker Shock
My mum attempted to hold piano classes in our house once, and there was this one time when a mum and her young (like seven years old) daughter came for an inquiry. All the time her mum and my mum were standing and talking, the daughter was walking around touching everything: Opening all the containers, looking in, playing with things… And the mum acted like she didn’t see a thing. The daughter opened a container above our piano and pulled out sheets of stickers. My stickers. She really liked them and turned around to ask her mum, “Mum, can I take these?”
To which her mum replied, “Yeah, sure!” As if it was theirs! My mum didn’t say much, and, shy as I was, I didn’t say anything either. Over a decade later I am still angry about the incident. The girl just went ahead and took my stickers!
11. This Cat Kicker
My “friend” entered my home, and my very typically shy cat came up to see what was what and greet him. He said, “I hate cats,” and kicked her. I haven’t talked to him since.
10. Leggo My LEGO
I wasn’t home when this happened but some family friend I’ve never met and their kid came over one afternoon.
I kid got bored and decided it was a great idea to disassemble every LEGO build I had kept over the last 10 years. Almost everything was built from imagination, so no instructions to rebuild again. I was devastated when I got home seeing LEGO pieces spread across the entire floor of my room.
9. Laundry Day Disaster
The guest puked in our washing machine and didn’t tell anyone. Found it a couple days later when we went to do laundry…
8. Offended By An Offense
When I was much younger, my mom’s aunt came to visit and brought her dog. We didn’t see her too much, but she was close with my mom back when Mom was a kid. During the visit, the dog dropped a loaf on the living room carpet. Not a big deal you would think, but my mom had the audacity to ask her to clean up after her own dog.
Apparently, this was a degree of rudeness my aunt had never experienced before from a “host”. The offense was so deep that she never spoke to my mother again for. The. Rest. Of. Her. Life.
She moved across the country and the only time we ever heard from her was when I got a letter from her saying that I should get some genetic tests for something that might be in the family.
Final plot twist: Since she never married and I was the only male descendant in her family line, she left me everything in her will.
7. Expensive Entitlement
One time a younger guest went on my parents iPad and bought around $70-$80 worth of in-app transactions. They were young but the response after getting caught was along the lines of, “The guest should be given nice things.”
6. Payback TKO
Everyone has a story from their childhood that still ticks them off; this is mine. I was five years old and my snotty older cousin was over at our house. I had just gotten a copy of Mike Tyson’s “Punch Out” for my birthday. He was getting his butt kicked by King Hippo and he got so angry he rage quit. But he didn’t just rage quit, he ripped the cartridge out of the Nintendo and spit into it. Then he threw it across the room and stormed out.
I told my parents what happened and they told his parents and they made him apologize, but the game was ruined. It would kind of play, but would freeze up all the time. My family barely had enough money to get me the game for my birthday, nevermind buying it again. I was sure I would never be able to play it again.
Then for Christmas, this little jerk got Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. So my older brother went over to his house and switched our ruined cartridge with his. It was awesome.
5. Doggone Missionaries
A Christian missionary and his wife were invited to our home as a guest of my partner; he’d known them in grade school. The husband kicked my dog because the dog was scared by fireworks and barked during the story this guy was telling about being in Africa helping kids.
What a juxtaposition of morals!
We immediately told them to leave. They acted very confused about it.
4. Give Her A Hand
College housemate had a wasted hookup. She flipped out on him when she realized he had a physical disability. He was born with one fully formed hand and one partial hand. She stormed out of his room, but before leaving the house, she confused our closet under the stairs with a bathroom and urinated all over the floor, and the boxes of Christmas stuff in there. We got the story out of our housemate a few weeks later when putting up the Christmas tree and trying to figure out why the heck it smelled like pee.
3. Ugly On The Inside
This guest literally called my husband ugly to his face, in his own home. I almost picked her up and threw her out, but I definitely can’t lift 300 pounds. Jerk.
2. Dare To Nair
A friend of mine was over in middle school and found out we had WiFi. He immediately asked for the password and went straight into the bathroom with his iPod touch. He proceeded to masturbate with my sister’s Nair.
1. Procrastination Staycation
Mom’s best friend had to move across the country. Her husband had to stay behind for a couple weeks for work-related reasons. My parents offered to let him stay at our house.
Three or so months later, he had not left despite my parents asking him politely several times and his wife very angrily telling him to leave several times. He had no excuse not to go other than he didn’t want to do the drive. He had stopped working months prior and was just sitting on our family computer all day and hogging it at night (mid-90s).
My mom finally lost it and put all his stuff outside and locked the door when he left to go to the store. He left that night.
My mom and her best friend have essentially just ignored her husband’s existence for 20-something years.