Picking up random people in the middle of the night is a sure fire way to get killed. Unless you are an Uber driver, apparently. What you get instead is just a front row seat to humanity’s crazies. From wasted chicks to narcotic dealing gangsters, Uber drivers have seen it all. So we took to the internet to get some of their craziest stories, and here’s what we found.
35. She Gets A Bit Pokey When She’s Wasted
Two weeks ago I drove two young girls home around 3 am on a Friday night. Quiet and polite passengers but when they get out I find they’ve literally stabbed my back seat and dashcam review shows they were making ‘gun hand’ gestures at me during the trip. They paid for a new seat, full retail price. Attacking someone driving a car you’re in seems suicidal but wasted people can be crazy. I watch the rear view closer now. I spent the next few days irrationally paranoid. Now I’m rational level paranoid, far more likely to cancel on someone that sounds trashed than before.
34. Love And Marriage
Picked up a guy in the middle of the day from a bar and took him to a casino nearby. As soon I got on the freeway some lady started tailing me and constantly beeping at me. I freaked out a little and he said, “That might be my wife, don’t worry she’ll stop following soon”. She followed us for the whole 20 minute ride, non-stop beeping. Once we got there, he practically jumped out of my car and ran for the door. She followed him in her car, almost hitting him. Last thing he said to me, “Don’t ever get married!”
33. Do You Want To Get Kidnapped?
Decided to try my luck with Hollywood one night after the clubs closed. When I pull up to the pickup location a stream of people start poking their heads into my car to ask if this car was theirs. I finally find the girl and she opens my passenger door, tells me to wait because she needs to find the rest of her friends. I’m blocking traffic while she is calling for her friends loudly. She drags one girl into my back seat and returns to the still open front door and tells me more are coming. At this time the police pull up behind me and use their speaker to tell me to keep moving. I tell the girl to get in so I can go around the corner, she refuses and keeps yelling for her friends. The cops get out of their car and demand I move the car or face arrest/ticketing. I tell them the girl won’t let go of the door or get in. They start yelling at her and me now to get in or let go of the door. She tells them no and that she needs her friends. Cop moves her and closes the door. I pull away with her wasted friend and no idea where to take her. I circle the block a few times and can’t find her again. I spent a good while trying to wake this girl and get an address. She finally gives me a ruff idea of where she lives. I drive her there and find the rest of her crew standing outside of her place. I don’t bother asking what happen, I just dump her off to her friends and go home. Never doing that again.
32. He’s Basically Batman Now
I am an Uber Black driver. A few months back I picked up a man and woman in their 40’s from a restaurant. They were clearly not having a good time, still arguing about something. Towards the end of the ride, he punches her in the face as hard as he could. When we pull up at the destination he pulls out a knife and starts to threaten her and me. I tell him to take it outside and I drive away. I couldn’t help but feel bad for that woman so I drove to the county Sheriff deptartment and told them what happened. Luckily the Uber Black cars have a camera inside that recorded the events. When the sheriff looked at the video he asked for the address and they arrested the guy. I also reported the incident to Uber, they called me and took a recorded statement by phone.
31. Don’t Mess With The People Driving You Around
My friend told me once about a guy he picked up and took him out to the middle of nowhere. The guy kept pretending like he was lost or confused and kept making him drive around. My friend eventually got him to fess up that he was dicking with him and said he had no money. My friend leaves the guy in the middle of farmland outside the city. Flash forward 2 months and the same guy gets in his cab. My buddy remembered him so he took him to the stop in town the guy asked for. Once they stopped the guy leaps out the car and runs away. My buddy thought ahead though, he positioned the car so the guy sort of had to go to the right when he bolted. My friend takes a quick shortcut, running not driving, and cuts him off. He broke a clipboard over the guy’s face and then got him to pay for the fare plus a $50 tip.
30. Wayne Is Crazy
One time someone put a blow-up doll with two 40s of alcohol duct taped to the doll’s hands in my passenger seat and said that the uber was for her. He closed the door and I just drove me and the doll to the destination. He sent me to his parent’s house. I rang the doorbell and gave it to his mom. She asked if their son sent this and I said “I guess?” and they just shook their head like “Typical Wayne…”
29. 10% Of The People Cause 90% Of The Problems
I’ve had people do narcotics in the backseat. I’ve had barely conscious people have strange incoherent conversations with imaginary friends in my backseat. I’ve had 5 or so heavy makeout sessions happen in my backseat. I’ve had 3 girls take pictures of their boobs on July 4th. I’ve had people take selfies of me, distracting me. I’m a “killjoy” when I tell them to stop it. I’ve had girls grab my steering wheel. I kicked them out. I’ve had people honk my horn. Adios. People that are wasted and partying expect you to be in a great mood, or else you’re a lame person ruining their experience. People blast your radio to 100% all the time.
And if you don’t take the abuse, they rate you a 1star and you’re one step closer to being fired.
Honestly, it’s the 10% of the horrible customers ruin that job.
Also, people trust their uber driver way too much. Guys, I’m just a college student trying to pay rent. I’m not here to party. No, I can’t afford to just get off and join you to the club. I’m working. Respect that.
28. No Open Alcoholic Beverages Inside The Car
I have had one incident that scared me to the point where I almost kicked them out of my car.
I accept a trip and head over to this house where 4 dudes hop in my car. These dudes are wasted and all have beer cans in their hands as well as some beer boxes. This was red flag number one for me, now the guy in the passenger seat is a big fellow with a rude attitude very demanding and impolite. The whole ride is him smacking my chest and following with ” AY fool why you look so nervous” or “AY fool just hurry up already”. And his cousin telling him to shut up and stop being a jerk, followed by the other 2 dudes just doing crazy Chicano rap. At this point, the dude in the passenger seat and his cousin are getting violent because the cousin kept defending me from him being a complete jerk most of the ride. Finally we get to the city they wanted to party in but come to find out that the hotel room they booked was booked for the wrong day…. so now here we are trying to figure out who’s gonna give them a room on valentines weekend at 2 am…. all while passenger is trying to find out where to get some narcotics. At this point I was irritated and was wanting to just leave them there and go home. But the cousin tipped me 40 bucks for putting up with everyone so I took them to the nearest strip club and called it good and went on my way.
27. Not A Bad First Night
My first night driving was this last new years in LA. I dropped off a passenger at a corner by a ton of bars in downtown. As I drive off I randomly look to my left and see this kid sitting down on the curb zoning in and out of coherent consciousness trying to request a ride, surrounded by multiple bouncers outside of this club. I think to myself,”that kid is going to puke .” Nevertheless, my naive nature allowed me to quickly shrug off the thought of the likelihood of a reality I would soon face (foreshadowing). I continued to drive for a few blocks when I received my next request. Noticing the abnormally close proximity between my last fare and my next, I became a bit anxious. Low and behold, that wasted kid was my next fare. I almost canceled the trip, but greed beat logic and common sense, and fares were surging.
As we begin the trip only a few locks up and around the street, he begins to dry heave and I pull over. Thankfully that was only the case. We arrive at the destination where he proceeds to tell me “this isn’t Bel Air.” I tell him I only dropped him off at the address he imputed. He then offers me $200 cash if I took him home. Only a few minutes into our trip traveling 75mph on the 10 from DT to BA, the kid rolls the window down and sticks his head out of the window and pukes all over the entire passenger side of the car and a little on the inside of the door (not that bad). The kid lived all the way in the end of Bel Air, closer to the Valley than Sun Set Blvd. He opens his wallet to pay me. If you guessed that this kid didn’t have the money, then you are correct. He slurs to me that his mom will pay me and to hold on. I grab his phone to make sure he comes back. Before he makes it out of the car, his mom comes out and starts shouting his name, which just so happened to be my name too. Instinctively I answer “yes!?” Still not sure why. She tells him to get inside and then asked me to tell her everything that happened as if this isn’t her first rodeo. I tell her what our deal was and that he got sick everywhere. She sighs, rolls her eyes, and nods her head as if this is nothing new. She goes inside and comes back out handing me $300 and apologizing profusely to me for her son’s actions. I was quickly able to clean everything off thanks to a windshield brush at the gas station. I hit the road again, made a few more stops, then decided to accept one more thinking I would stay local. I get to this house in Beverly Hills and pick up this couple at an 8.9 surge. Until I started the trip, I had no idea their destination was in Santa Ana, about 50 miles away. Their bill was $639. All in all, I made $870 after Uber’s cut from 8pm-4am.
26. 3 Strikes And You’re Out
Female driver here. One Friday night I picked up a law student after last call in West Hollywood, he was pretty wasted and wanted to go to UCLA. No biggie. He gets a call from his wasted friend and has me stop the car so he can try to figure out if we have to turn around to grab his friend. Again, no biggie, I’ve got the clock running. Friend doesn’t need a ride, we head off. He starts talking about how he has had a good night and he really needed this after his bad week. He broke up with his “bae” on Wednesday and urinated on her apartment stoop when she wouldn’t call him a cab, and then Thursday night he talked himself out of a DUI so he was riding with Lyft Friday to avoid getting pulled over again. This guy was classic UCLA Law Bro. I try to lightheartedly tell him that that’s 2 of 3 karmic strikes and he should keep his head down for a while, he laughs and agrees. We finally get to his places and he starts going with, “Man, you’re so pretty, you look nothing like my ex, maybe that’s why you’re so pretty…” And I see him pucker his lips while grabbing my shoulder to move up towards the front. Biggie Smalls sized biggie. “Get out of my car, I’ve got mace up here!” Dude freezes and rolls out of my car… I’d call that strike 3.
25. Sounds Like He Needs A Designated Puke Bucket
First two weekends of being an Uber driver, I had two pukers. First one and also just my fifth ride ever I picked up a wasted girl and made it within a half block of her place before she started spewing.
The other was actually an older woman and her husband. She had too much red wine, rested her head back, got the spins and puked in her lap.
First, clean-up was pretty gross, the second was actually very minimal, but it still sucked. I got compensation from uber for both, but the second one took FOREVER.
I’ve also had 2-3 near pukes.
I need another job…
24. Even The Universe Is Disappointed In You, Heather
I picked up a group of people at around 11 pm and they asked, “have any funny stories from tonight?” So I told them I picked up a guy who was climbing out of a second story window wearing only boxer shorts while a car was pulling in the driveway. They asked where and what the house looked like and after I told them she says “That’s Heather! She’s still with Bryan even after all that!” So one of the other girls calls Heather and confronts her and learns that in fact, Heather is still with Bryan even after “all that”. A big dramatic scene unfolds in the back of my car as it turns out Heather is married and cheated with Bryan and got caught before and worked it out and is now back cheating with Bryan. The only problem? I made up the whole story. When they asked where and what the house looked like I just picked a town at random and described a random house.
23. He Didn’t Even Get Paid To Be A Mule
I once picked up a guy from a pretty shady part of town. I knew I shouldn’t have but I did because it was slow. I take the guy a good 15 mins away and he asked me to pull up to this apartment complex in another shady neighborhood. He asks me to wait for him to come out. Once again, I obliged against my better judgment. The guy is taking forever and I was about to end the trip and leave because the denizens of this particular project were giving me dirty looks. He comes out a few moments later with a Dora the Explorer backpack, reeked of pot, and my first thought was “Seriously?” I didn’t ask but I’m pretty sure it was narcotics in that bag and not the nice kind. He asked me to drive back to where I picked him up. I went home after that. The thought of inadvertently contributing to the local hard drug trafficking just soured my night.
22. When You Can’t Stop Raving
As a passenger, I got into a car where the driver had full strobe lights going and EDM playing. Told me he DJed full time and Ubered on the side. Kept looking back at me for the majority of the ride to keep a conversation going. I kept brushing questions off so he’d keep his eyes on the road, because you know, impending death. At one point after a long awkward pause he asked, “So do you do narcotics?” and gave me his card. I made it to where I was going safely. At some point later in life I think I swiped past him on Tinder. What a trip. Literally/figuratively. Whew.
21. Spitting On Someone Is Considered Assault.
I drive occasionally for Uber, had one guy who went mental on me when I wouldn’t speed through a downpour to get him to the airport. His bad luck as I’m a 250 lb ex-Marine. When he spat on me I pulled over on the freeway and promptly threw him out of the car and told him he could get his luggage up the road about a half mile. I then drove a half mile put his luggage on the side of the freeway, drove to the nearest convenience store and wrote an incident report. I never heard back from Uber except for a canned reply I should “remain professional in stressful situations”. Had one passenger who had food poisoning and ended up driving him to the E.R., then calling his parents out of state to let them know what was up and what hospital he was at. My complaint is the many passengers who are entitled jerks who treat me as if I’m their servant.
20. Gotta Watch Out For Those Sorority Chicks
I once picked up this group of 5 girls from the University about 10 minutes away from ours. They were acting like the typical wasted sorority girls as far as I could tell, and I was actually enjoying talking to them for the most part. Well, when we’re literally one minute away from the party house, the girl in my passenger seat opens my door while I’m going 30+ mph and vomits all over my window, door, and dashboard.
I obviously pull over to make sure she’s alright, to assess the damage, and to get my door closed. While I’m stopped, this girl’s friend makes the brilliant decision to get out of the car, drop, and just urinate on the sidewalk. I’m obviously stunned at how trashy these girls are being (It was 10:30 pm), but ultimately they all get back in and we drive the final minute to the party. When we get there, they all just pile out and say “thanks” with absolutely no effort to help clean my vomit covered car.
19. Gotta Keep Yourself Safe
The scariest one for me was when a girl passed out at 3 am. It was a 45 mins trip and she gave me the wrong destination before she passed out. When I got there, it was a park. So, there I was at 3 in the morning trying to wake a passed out girl. I was scared of being a victim of wrong accusations. I had no choice except to call the police who showed up in 15 mins. Finally, they woke her up and I drove her to her real address. I don’t drive at nights anymore.
18. The Insurance Probably Won’t Pay For It
The time I felt most bad for an Uber driver was this past weekend in Chicago. Our driver was nice enough to make a stop on our way to our destination. The people in our car used our group chat to decide on an additional cash tip for his kindness. When we finally get to our destination, myself and the girl in the passenger seat attempted to get out of his small car at the exact moment a 40+ mph wind blew in the direction of the door opening. His door stayed on the hinges but it came off the bar that helps it close. Essentially, we broke his door. Dumbfounded he just looked at us in the back of the car and said, “It’s broken.” We then spent the next extremely windy 5 minutes trying to bring the bar and door back together. One girl held onto the door to prevent it from breaking even more while the driver and myself tried to put the bar back into place. Eventually, it worked, we gave him his cash tip, apologized profusely, and we parted ways. His car stayed on that corner for the next 10-15 minutes with his hazards and I’m left to guess that he was probably freaking out and trying to make sure his car was still driveable. We gave him the best review we could possibly give.
17. Sensing A Trend Here With Wasted Girls.
I just started driving for Uber this past week. Saturday night at about 2 AM right before I’m about to call it a night, I get a ride request from one of the college bars less than a mile away so I decide to take it. I get there and pick up three VERY intoxicated girls, while the fourth standing outside tells me she is the one who ordered the uber and she needs me to take her friends back to her place. The less trashed of the three gets into the front seat with me while the other two drag themselves in the back. They all start asking me if they can throw up in my car and, naturally, I tell them no. I also explain that if they do throw up in my car, that it’s their friend who is paying for this ride that would be charged the $200 clean-up fee. This made them mad, because HOW DARE I tell them where they can and can’t puke. Get to the address (the girl who ordered the ride also asked me to make sure they got inside her house safely) and they get out and start stumbling around this neighborhood going from house to house trying to find the girl’s house. I walk over to the house with the address plastered on the front door telling them that this was the address their friend gave me, but they start yelling at me that they know their friend’s house and that isn’t it, and to “take my money and leave”. The backseat girls ask me again if they can throw up in my car and I gave a final “no”. So instead they hurl ON my car before taking off down the street. One fell over into the street and just laid there laughing. I said forget it and left them there.
16. What A Weird Turn Of Events
Around 2 am I picked up three people that seemed to be late-40’s-ish, two guys and a lady, all quite wasted. The destination is less than 10 minutes away, but the moment they climb in the car, the two in the back seat, the lady and one of the guys, get really hostile. She’s threatening to punch him in the face while the guy in the front seat eggs her on and the guy in the back seat keeps half-yelling that he is chill. Super chill.
It wasn’t too difficult to figure out that the source of the conflict was that he was interested in getting with her and she wasn’t having any of it. Sort of.
As I’m beginning to consider pulling over and having them get out for fear that a real fight is about to break-out in my back seat, the guy in the front seat suddenly changes his tone and starts suggesting that they all should be friends. His plan for patching things up consisted of her showing them her boobs. It took her about 15 seconds to decide that it was a solid plan and happily presented her pleasure pillows for their peeping pleasure. (She was seated behind me. I didn’t bother sneaking a peak. I suspect I didn’t miss much.)
It culminated with the guys touching her boobs in a manner reminiscent of a pair of 8 year-olds petting a hedgehog. We arrived at their destination, another bar, a couple minutes later. They got 5 stars.
15. I Would Have Left Them At Wawa
My mother-in-law and I Ubered home from a ladies wine night last month. My marine brother-in-law gave me a sheet rock saw for “defense,” just in case. Well, Uber man arrives, we get in and my MIL pulls out her pocket vodka and offers Uber man a sip! He’s polite and declines, but asks her not to drink in his car. She doesn’t care and drinks.
We make small talk and I realize a coffee would be great, and uber man agrees to stop at Wawa so I agree to buy everyone coffee. So at Wawa I realize the sheet rock saw my brother in law gave me is sticking out. I joked and said it’s my protection when my uber clearly saw it. He noped out and said he was waiting in the car. I was convinced he was abandoning us after seeing my “weapon.” So we casually asked the guy in line at Wawa to drive us home if uber man bailed…. And he happily said yes! Lol
Luckily the Uber man was still outside when we left the store. He drove us home, I tipped him well and thanked God that ride was under my MIL’s account and not mine!
I felt bad we were wasted and maybe scared the guy.
14. Always Bring Spare Clothes
I drive in Dallas usually on Friday and Saturday nights. About 1:00 am I get pinged for a pickup on McKinney Ave downtown. I was going to just shut down and go home, but surge was 3 so I figure maybe I’d get lucky with a long trip to Plano or someplace.
I fight through the traffic (which is always terrible) and pull up to the bar. Put my flashers on but no one comes over. Text the rider and look to see someone pulling out their phone. I see an early 20 something blonde girl pull out her phone–she’s is absolutely wasted.
I get out and call her name. She looks at me and promptly falls down. A guy helps her up and I put her in the back seat and it’s clear that she’s is beyond wasted. She’s also wearing a little jumper and falling out of it. I put the seat belt on her and ask her for the address. She’s practically incoherent, but gives me her address. At this point, I am wondering if she’s been slipped something.
I drive her to the address which is uptown (about 5 minutes away) and stop. She is passed out in the back seat and wreaks so badly of alcohol it is nauseating. I help her out and she falls into the street. I pick her up and walk her to the door of her apartment building. She is struggling to get her keys out of her bag and she kind of leans back into me with her butt on my thigh to keep her balance. She can’t make her key work so she buzzes her roommate.
We are waiting for her roommate to come down and open the door, and it was then that the leg of my jeans began to feel wet. Yep, she peed all over my leg down into my sock and shoe. I help her roommate get her to the elevator, say goodbye, and head back out to my car.
When I get to the car, I take off my shoes, socks, and pants. I ball them up into plastic bag I had in the car and put them in the back. I drove home in my boxers…
13. Trying To Rob A Jewelry Store Using An Uber
I did have a violently belligerent passenger one time. His friends ordered an Uber from a local bar using his phone. When I pulled up, he hops in without saying a word and then asked me to make sure he gets home safe. They mention that he may try to change the destination, but do not let him. Silly me, for accepting such conditions. He did, in fact, try to change the destination to a local jewelry store (which was closed, in these wee hours of the morning). I continued on to the original address. He wouldn’t talk to me, just kept intermittently mumbling incoherently. Halfway through the ride he started attacking the back of my car/backs of my seats as if using punching bags in a gym; didn’t do any permanent damage, thankfully. I pulled over and told him to calm down or I’d kick him out. Oddly enough, he got quiet and ended up just bolting when I stopped near his destination.
12. He Sounds Nice
At like 7:45 in the evening, (first trip of the night) I pick up this heavyset guy (probably like 250 lbs or more) wearing a motorcycle vest. He wants to go to LAX. So, I do the usual thing and turn on the GPS to set course. Now I know how to get to LAX, but I just wanted to be sure I’m taking the quickest route. Right after I start driving towards the freeway onramp, this guy starts yelling and cursing, believing I’m taking him the wrong way intentionally to try and overcharge. I said multiple times I was trying to take the quickest route based on what the GPS told me, but he still wouldn’t listen. Due to his language and tone, I then asked him multiple times to leave my car and he still wouldn’t cooperate. I tried to call the police and he was yelling over the phone that I was trying to kidnap him and drove “5 miles out of the way” which is completely false. The whole time, he had an aggressive and belligerent demeanor and I was concerned for my safety. He had probably like 100 lbs on me. I eventually took him back to his pickup point, which is how I got him to leave my car. As he got out, he threatened to complain and insulted me again.
I was trying to drive this guy 30 miles, through all that traffic and he’s freaking out over what onramp I use. Anyway, I didn’t file a police report cause they wouldn’t do anything in this scenario. I did, however, report him to uber and they told me they’ll take “appropriate action” against the passenger, which will probably be nothing.
11. This Is Just Good Advice For Anyone
I’m preparing to move to the city of Richmond, was driving there yesterday evening when I was rear-ended at an intersection with a passenger.
My car is likely totaled but fortunately, there were no serious injuries. My passenger had some minor neck pain and was transported by EMS as a precaution. I was not at fault and the other driver’s insurance company has taken responsibility. But now I have to figure out how to make car payments again – times are tight.
Uber called me a few minutes later, they detected the collision. I was trying to talk with my passenger, police, Fire, and the other driver. Called customer service later and was about to start pulling my hair out, the language barrier is so annoying! Finally completed an online incident report.
I had my car detailed for the very first time ever about an hour before $35 that I really couldn’t afford. Earned $17 today before my car was demolished. Keep those dash cameras running and PLEASE insist on your passengers buckling up before you turn a wheel!
10. At Least Ralphs Had A Video
I was en route to pick up a passenger at Ralphs when a car parked to my right started to pull into my lane. I wasn’t going very fast, maybe 25 mph and it was clear to my left, so I swerved to try to avoid it. They stopped for a second and I thought I skated by, but then I felt the impact on the rear passenger side of my car.
And then the inevitable, the other driver backs up, zips around my car and hauls ass down a side street. Although I was not in the greatest area, adrenaline kicked in and I took off in pursuit. I got about 2 blocks before my passenger side rear tire blew, and I lost them. So back to the Ralphs I went.
There was a period of crazy – a random tow truck driver pulled up and offered to take my car FOR FREE because he’s super awesome and works with all the insurance companies! I was pretty shaken at this point, so I could have done without the dude trying to convince me to let him hold my car hostage. An hour later, I have a spare tire on, a kid who drove out to help is Mom for nothing because her car IS drivable after all, and still no LAPD, but is that surprising? At least now I can drive home.
Oh and I can’t leave out the best part. Jose! Jose worked at the store and asked if I was the one in the accident. Yes! There were a couple of witnesses, video from the store of the accident, and the manager had taken two pics of the car on his phone and one was clear enough to read the license plate.
The hit and run driver was actually the getaway driver for the two dudes who were robbing the Ralphs. The driver panicked, hits me, panics more, and drives off. Then I pursue a panicked criminal who was racing off to meet up with more criminals who steal stuff. Sweet!
9. You Couldn’t Pay Me Enough To Stay
I drove for Uber for a while but ended up quitting because it was a waste of time – too much sitting around in between pickups for my city. Anyways, one night I was finishing up and left the app on while I was driving home from the busy bar area around 3 am and got a call. That rarely happened. When I arrived a few people ran into my car with worried looks on their faces. Apparently, someone had just gotten shot and killed in a bar. The bar owner said this motorcycle gang couldn’t bring guns into his establishment, I don’t know what happened that lead to the murder but immediately I said let’s get out of here. No, they were still waiting for one friend who ran into some bushes and we couldn’t leave. 30 seconds later a dude from the motorcycle gang, standing in the middle of the street takes out his gun again and shoots at the ground – I assumed as another scare tactic. The friend comes running in luckily and I peel out with my heart racing!
8. Sounds Suspicious
I once got a request for a ride about 10 minutes away and got a phone call from the guy immediately. I answered and he said “I just want to let you know that you’ll be getting a five-star rating for this ride and a generous tip. You won’t be picking up me though, you’ll be picking up my friend.” I said ok and asked what his friend’s name was so he didn’t end up paying for some random guys ride, and he said, “well, I’m just a Jewish guy with a lot of black friends…let me check, I forgot.” About thirty seconds later he says “ok his name is Rob”.
So despite my gut feelings, I picked up Rob and bring him over to this guy’s place, where he has us wait for 10 minutes because Jewish guy had to run to the bank. He comes back and gets in the car and they’re talking really quietly in the back seat, make an exchange ($800 of narcotics) and then I have to bring this Rob guy back home. I talked to Rob and was cool about it, but told him he can’t just be doing narcotic deals in the back seat of cars, and that he should get dropped off and get picked up by someone else after. He apologized, bought me a burger and that was that.
7. That’s Probably How You Can Get Mugged
So Saturday night I picked up a passenger at Ft Myers Beach FL and took her to a gated community off of a main road about 6 miles away. Went well, tipped me a couple of bucks. As I go back to the gate to get out on the main road, there is a small tan SUV right at the stop bar with his flashers on and I hear someone yelling for help. Rather than get out of my van, I pull up beside him and roll down my window. It is a 20 something, clean cut, clean shaven, young man hunched over and he yells” Help me I think I am having a heart attack”. So since I am not a Cardiac doctor moonlighting as an Uber driver, I pick up my phone and dial 911. They answer and I tell them there is a driver in distress and the location and he says he is having a heart attack. The driver starts yelling, no, we don’t need 911 and that he is feeling better. I started telling the 911 operator what was going on and the kid keeps telling me to hang up, we don’t need them. Then about the time, I am describing him and his SUV he takes off. The 911 operator took it pretty seriously though and said they were sending some deputies out to the area. I apologize for wasting their time, and they were adamant that I was not in the wrong and they thought the guy was up to something.
Topping all of this, I had accepted a ping right before I came upon this, only 5 minutes away but the whole 911 thing tied up my phone. I called the guy and told him what happened. Turned out he was a guy who had, had a couple of beers and needed to run to a store and did not want to drive. Very nice guy, short trip, tipped me 2 bucks.
So I don’t know what the kid was up too and what he expected. If someone says they are having a heart attack, the only thing I can do is call 911.
6. I think We Are All Just On A Reality TV Show For Aliens
Only drove Uber for a summer. The most memorable one was one early evening, some girl pretty much had me drive to her friend’s house and directed me to park in this particular parking spot and then she told me to turn off my headlights and the car so we can’t be seen. The weird thing was it was still pretty bright out before sunset. Then she just stayed there and stared at this one house. That was when I figured she was stalking someone and I told her I don’t have time for this. Right then she pulled out a wad of cash $500 and smiled at me “now you got the time?” Then some big tall ponytail looking guy came out of the house for what I think a cigarette break, and she ran out of my car to him and started screaming and literally started punching the guy. The guy was literally twice her size and looked like Khal Drogo. The guy looked like he tried to reason with her but she kept hitting him. He then quickly retreated back inside and she ran back to my car and then told me to take her home. On our drive back, she kept telling me about a handbag and some sandals she’s designing commercially. I dropped her off and she paid her fare on top of the $500 cash she gave me earlier.
5. Worth It I Guess
I pick a guy up from the bar, and from the get-go, he’s too wasted to tell me his address. After 10 minutes or so, I call the cops out to see if they can get him alert enough to go home, which they do.
Of course, as soon as we leave, he passes out. One 25 minute drive later, we pull up to the house. I tell him we’re here. No answer. I tell him louder. Still no answer. I yell at him, and he doesn’t even flinch.
At this point, I sigh and try knocking at the door. After a few minutes, this lady cracks the door ever so slightly and gives me the evil eye. I ask her if she has a husband, yeah tall, bald, and wasted, and tell her he’s in my car passed out. She sighs, sets a shotgun down next to the door (3 am, I understand), and comes out to the guy.
Of course, he’s still passed out. She yells, nothing. Pinches, nothing. Gets to the point where she’s full arm slapping the guy in the face to wake him up, which he finally does, at least enough to get him stood up and out of the car. She turns to me, grabs his wallet, and asks how much he owes me.
Dude takes the opportunity to face plant onto the concrete driveway like he’s trying to headbutt it into submission.
We get him inside and on the couch, where she proceeds to give me all the money in his wallet, as well as going upstairs and emptying hers as well (about a 200% tip).
4. Sometimes You Just Gotta Yell, You Know?
This is an easy one as I have told this one hundreds of times as it seems everybody asks. Been driving for over a year and a half now, close to 7000 rides between Uber and Lyft. I can tell the one about the young guy I picked up one night, a local college student I presume from his sweatshirt. Very clean cut, nice looking seemed very normal… until… he gets in my car–front seat–and as he had not entered an address yet, I asked him where he’s going. Well, this guy is totally awake, looks me directly in the eyes, and literally cannot speak. He tries to tell me where he wants to go, but he is so tense that when he tries to say anything the words will not come out of his mouth. So I am a pretty calm guy, very calm as a matter of fact, so I just ask him again if he has a place in mind. Same response, except this time he starts getting very agitated apparently because he cannot speak, so he just starts screaming very loudly in frustration-aaaahhhhh!!! OKAY, now I am a little worried, just driving around looking at this guy, and I figured that he was probably on some kind of drugs uppers and probably first time for him. Again I think I may have asked him if he was okay, and again the same response with an even louder scream. So now I am getting very worried, as much for him as possibly for me. So out of the blue I pulled over and said to him, “Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. I am going to roll up my windows, and you are going to scream as loud as you can, get it out of you, sound good?” I think he may have nodded so I did and he did scream, really really loud and I am sure everyone around the street heard him. The good news is that it worked, and this guy seemed to calm down and could now speak to me. About this time his girlfriend called him and I could here that she was worried for him, but he blew her off and turned his focus towards me. I don’t know, but I think he started to trust me more so he starts asking me if I could take him to an ATM. He was still very shaky and I tried to get it out of him which one he wanted to go to, and I think I finally convinced him to go to a certain one that was close. So then he starts on me about what I was doing the rest of the night, he wanted me to stay with him and follow him around. I politely declined because-well, I’m Ubering making money etc etc and I can’t. So we get to the ATM and I wait as he fumbles around and finally is able to work the machine, and he gets out a huge wad of money, probably a couple of grand at least, and then gets back in the car and starts on me again about following him around. I keep denying him and asking him where he would like to go (and suggesting that he should probably go home or to the person that called him), and after he gets the cash he finally tells me that he wants to go to the casino and he wants me to follow him in there because he “doesn’t want to lose this money”. He is very persistent so I have to keep refusing more and more forcefully until finally he starts offering me money, $50 an hour, to follow him in the casino because he can’t lose the money. Tempting but I keep refusing thinking they’re going to kick him out anyway I finally convinced him that I wasn’t going to follow him, but he had one last request. Just wait for me here for 10 minutes and I will be right back. I waited 15 minutes, closed him out with 1 star (one of the only ones I have ever given) so I would not get him again and hightailed it outta there.
3. The Epic Saga Of Brad And Chad
It’s a Friday night, and I pick up a couple from a bar, the girl was crawling into the car wasted, and her boyfriend was like “BEBB!! BEHBB!! BAAAYHGHGBBE!! GET INSIDE THE LYFT!! Oh hey, what’s up bro (to me). BAAAAABBBE!!”
After she spills into the backseat I asked where they were headed. The bro tells me the address, I assume it’s his apartment (spoiler: the night’s not over, it’s another bar.) I was parked in a bike lane on a busy one-way street, and I turned on the car and looked in the rearview to see if I was clear to merge left into the one way. In my mirror I see a fountain of vomit spewing into traffic coming from my backseat.
Then a black Prius pulls into the bike lane right in front of me. It’s the car that my currently unconscious passenger just threw up on, and I see the driver get out and go around to check out the side that was thrown up on. I’m expecting him to have pulled over to confront me, so I’m already expecting him to chew me out. I get out and start apologizing, and explain I am a Lyft driver. Turns out he was a Lyft driver too, and he was actually picking up a passenger from the same bar we were in front of.
Sure enough, BRAD comes out of the bar, very wasted, and yells at the other Lyft driver, “Are you Derek?! You look like the guy in this little picture!” He tried showing poor Derek the profile picture. Derek says, “Hey man, I just got puke on my car, I got to head home and wash it off. Sorry I can’t give you a ride.”
This is when I felt like I was in a sitcom episode. The guy in my backseat (he can be called Chad) had been staring at his phone in my backseat, avoiding everyone, but now he gets out of the car, and yells something like, “WHO’S THIS GUY THEN?!?!”
Brad yells, “What are you doing here??”
“I was at Fourth Street, with Kelsea.”
“NO WAY, I was in there too! Is she passed out?”
“OF COURSE SHE IS. She better wake up, we’re heading to Myth.”
“NO WAY I WAS HEADING TO MYTH FOR RACHEL’S BIRTHDAY!”
“WHAT?!?! THAT’S WHY I WAS GOING TOO!”
Now I am driving Chad, Brad, and Kelsea a few blocks to Myth, while nice Derek goes home to clean puke out of his Prius. I have the loudest conversation I’ve ever had with these two bros (who are actually super nice) and find out that they are housemates, and hadn’t talked about going to the same exact party on this Friday night. Then I find out that Chad asked Brad to be his best man only a month ago after Chad and Kelsea got engaged.
So how do two bros living in rooms across from each other, obviously spend a lot of time together, probably responded ‘Going’ to the same Facebook event, and should be the ones getting married end up not knowing that they were both going to a mutual friend’s B-day bash, with bottle service, at a very posh bar? Beats me.
Oh yeah, Kelsea woke up when the car stopped and went into the bar with near perfect coordination. Girl just needed a puke ‘n nap.
2. What’s Up With People Using Uber For Their Narcotics?
One time I had some latino gangster do narcotic runs witGlendaleglendale and Silverlake. They had tattoos all over their bald heads. They spent like 140 over an hour or two. 2 funny things: we were at this starbucks waiting on the one guy who was arguing with someone outside it or something when the cops roll up so the other guy in my car keeps trying to call the guy inside to warn him or whatever but he doesn’t pick up, so the guy in my car ditches the drugs out the window and is all layin low. Anyway dude comes out starbucks with a caramel frappuccino for me (lol) not a care in the world and we go on about their business. Eventually they’ve got this chick with them who goes and does a deal in a liquor store, and on the way home they’re on their phones doing various business, and they each have like 4 cell phones they’re juggling… so anyway, the one returns the others’ call from starbucks earlier and they’re both on the phone for what seemed like 5 minutes before they figure out they’re talking to each other and the whole car laughs it off like it’s a movie. I was worried they were scamming the truck but the card went through.
1. I’m Not Sure That’s Any Better, But Ok
I’m an Uber Black driver and chauffeur. Last weekend, I picked up a 20-something couple wearing animal onesies. I didn’t mention it, but they told me quickly that they were going to a costume party… and they were wearing the onesies over their costumes because they didn’t want to be seen in public with them.