Big or small, funny or serious, born of ignorance or malice… we all make mistakes. Some of them are instantly forgiven and forgotten, while others become stories that get passed down for decades come to define a person. And some are just so good that there’s nothing a person can really do but hop online and share their folly with the world.
This article concerns the latter.
The folks below all recently went online to share their funny, shocking, and alarming screw ups with the rest of us. We hope you enjoy your daily dose of schadenfreude.
35. The burrito burglar
34. Not too sharp, are you?
33. An unexpected reunion
32. Black and white thinking
31. Free chemo
30. Family secrets
Earlier this year, AncestryDNA had a sale on their kit. I thought it would be a great gift idea so I bought 6 of them for Christmas presents. Today my family got together to exchange presents for our Christmas Eve tradition, and I gave my mom, dad, brother, and 2 sisters each a kit.
As soon as everyone opened their gift at the same time, my mom started freaking out. She told us how she didn’t want us taking them because they had unsafe chemicals. We explained to her how there were actually no chemicals, but we could tell she was still flustered. Later she started trying to convince us that only one of us kids need to take it since we will all have the same results and to resell extra kits to save money.
Fast forward: Our parents have been fighting upstairs for the past hour, and we are downstairs trying to figure out who has a different dad.
29. Not the brightest bulb
28. Her big mouth gets her in trouble
27. Mi casa es su casa
26. The fool, it turns out, is you
25. Always look before you sit
Floor 8 of the of place my employment, inside the men’s bathroom.
I’m sitting there, doing my sit-down-business because boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. I’ve just finished the dirty work and I’m about to perform my ablutions, but I delay it because it’s a “paid to crap” thing, playing around on my phone a bit. At this point I feel something jump onto my balls. Something I had never hoped I would ever experience, let alone talk about on the internet.
I shriek. Not a barbarian shriek. Not a viking shriek. Psycho-Shower-Scene shriek.
A huntsman spider (big and venomous) has crawled out of the toilet bowl and jumped onto my low hanging fruit. I bat the spider off, smacking myself in the nuts, keeling over in pain.
Spider dead. Good news. My banshee wail has not gone unanswered. Bad news.
Someone comes into the bathroom and knocks on the stall door. “Mate are you alright? Have you fallen over? I’ll call an ambulance.”
“NO. FINE. EVERYTHING. IS. GOOD. JUST SLIPPED. FINE. NO NEED TO CALL AN AMBULANCE. YOU CAN LEAVE NOW.”
I flush the spider to try and retain some of my inner pride, wash my hands, and make the very VERY long walk back to my desk.
24. Your joke killed
23. Magic chocolate saved her life
22. Picture this
21. Divorced by accident
20. You deserve better than him anyway
19. It’s always projection
18. Three’s company
16. And that’s why you always make your bed
15. Wiper, no wiping
14. The bidding war
So my birthday is coming up and I found an item on eBay that I thought would be cool as a present. I figured I would casually mention it to both my wife and my mom…not thinking that either of them would actually try to bid on it.
Well lo and behold, they BOTH ended up bidding on it to try to win it for a birthday present for me and they unknowingly got into a bidding war with each other!!! They ended up driving up the price by about $200 before my wife finally won the auction. They could have just bought it new in the store for $50 less then she won it for!
13. Best before
12. That’s how you get on a list
11. Put your listening ears on
10. Why does it hurt when I pee?!
flashback to undergrad, things are good and I just started dating this beautiful girl that I had met in class. I was enamored with her, shocked that I loved her so fast, and amazed that she even wanted to date me. The first months are amazing, we can’t keep our hands off each other and never seem to be sick of the others company.
After a few months into our relationship, I started to notice some concerning symptoms. As you can probably hypothesize, when I pee’d, it burned. At first, I just assumed it must have been something weird with my diet, to be sure, I decided to stop taking creatine just in case. But, as time went on (a few days later), the burning became unbearable. I would literally be struggling to stand while I pee’d because the pain was so intense. After, I would literally lay in my bed in the fetal position until the pain subsided. It was bad.
Well, at this point, I was no longer convinced that my diet was causing the symptoms. No, it had to be what I thought unfathomable, my girlfriend must have cheated on me. I hadn’t been with anyone else. I hadn’t been with anyone else since I began pursuing her, months before we became exclusive. I was shocked. Things seemed so perfect, she seems like such a good person, where had I gone wrong? The thought made my blood boil, until I outright confronted her.
I told her I knew she must have been unfaithful because of my symptoms, and asked her if she had similar symptoms. She told me no. I demanded that she come with me to a clinic, that we both take a test, and share our results. She said sure. (looking back at this I feel like a complete jerk). We agreed that we would go the next day.
The same night I confronted my girlfriend, my roommates girlfriend came over to stay at our place. She was being nice and went to do some dishes for us. Around this time my roommates and I had just moved into a new house. In the process all our belongings got shuffled around. As she went to get some dish washing pods, she exclaimed “why are you guys washing your dishes with laundry detergent!?!?!”
I heard that and it all clicked, holy crap, I’ve been peeing out bleach?!?! I instantly felt ashamed and immediately apologized to my girlfriend. She took it really well, laughed at the situation, and we forgot about it. Sure enough, a few days later, after our dishes/cups were no longer saturated with bleach residue, my symptoms disappeared.
9. Cops don’t like these kind of jokes
8. Good breeding
7. Great googly moogly
6. The lord of the rings
5. I blue myself
4. A very cute mistake
3. Bless me father, for I have sinned
2. Just plane stupid
I was running a bit late for a long-haul flight from Delhi to London, so I quickly bought some snacks and shoved them in my travel bag as I ran to the boarding gate.
About 4 hours in (whilst half the people were asleep and the other half were getting annoyed that the TVs had stopped working), there was a massive bang and the whole plane launched into hysteria.
I can’t even explain how loud it was, especially given the plane was in near silence. Immediately, every baby started screaming as loudly as they could and every mother started crying madly. It didn’t help that it was pitch black either, so all the flight crew running around amongst the panicking masses couldn’t see where they were going at all, so just ran straight into all the passengers as they jumped out of their seats. The people who had been sleeping woke up to a scene normally saved for badly produced films and needless to say also began manically hyperventilating.
After a few minutes of sheer terror, the lights came back on and everyone gradually calmed down. My travel bag was revealed as the source of the blast – obviously to my surprise – and was carefully opened. Tons of what looked like sawdust/powder fell out onto the chairs below and once again everyone freaked out for a few seconds.
As it turns out, in India they hyper inflate their crisp/chip packets so the contents don’t get crushed. They’re also dirt cheap, so I bought about 8 packets (those were the snacks I’d grabbed in a rush earlier). The pressure built up as we ascended, and when the plane jolted from the turbulence, they all blew up simultaneously.
And that is how I accidentally triggered a bomb scare on an international flight.