We’ve all been there. You invite a friend over thinking they are a perfectly normal human being only to find out that they are 90% Neanderthal and clearly live in a cave in the woods. Disrespectful house guests are the worst. Your home is your castle, and these people just show up and pretend it’s a field day at the county fair. So we gathered up some stories of the absolute worst house guests. From intoxicated mishaps to actual crime, just be glad these guys weren’t at your place.
26. Not Cool, Warren. Not Cool.
Back in my bachelor days my buddy Warren and I decided to check out the nightlife at some bars in Austin. I was never a big drinker and had a few beers over the course of the evening. He was drinking vodka all night like it was water. Needless to say he was in no condition to drive across town to his place so I told him he could just crash at mine. On Sunday morning I was getting ready for church when I heard him moving around outside my door. I told him he could sleep in while I’m gone if he wants to but he just says he’s got to get going and quickly leaves. I got back from church a few hours later and the entire apartment smelled really bad. I sniffed out the source in the guest bed. Evidently, Warren had woken up during the middle of the night and evacuated a beagle-sized turd into my sheets, rolled them up and then continued sleeping the rest of the night in the same bed he had befouled. The real kicker -other than sleeping all night next to a rolled-up sheet with your own monstrous deuce in it – is that he could have just stayed after I left, cleaned up and I would have probably never known.
25. How Are You Going To Tell Me You Just “Forgot”
This happened to my friend. She has a koi pond in her backyard that she and her husband built themselves. It’s a nice little pond in the ground with rocks and a waterfall. They also have a couple of cats.
They go out of town for a couple of weeks and one of her work friends takes care of her house. A few days in this work friend comes over and dumps the entire bag of cat food onto the kitchen floor. Then she decided that the water in the koi pond looked a bit low, so they turn on the hose to top it off. Only they “forget” to turn the hose off when they leave. She never comes back to the house to check on anything.
A couple of days later, the neighbor notices that their backyard is flooded and that there’s koi swimming around in the yard. They turn off the water and try to catch the koi but are not successful. The koi end up dying or getting away.
Luckily the cats inside were ok. The neighbor calls my friend to tell her what happened.
Let’s just say that my friend is not friends with her co-worker anymore.
24. The Devil Went Down To Oklahoma
When I was about 4 I got a stuffed rabbit wearing pajamas from a family friend of ours. We lived in a house that was over a hundred years old, and my parents found the original family who lived there (or rather, their descendants) and we became fast friends. We called her Aunt Janie, even though she wasn’t related.
So Aunt Janie sent me the rabbit in pajamas, and I took him everywhere. It took serious work for me not to take him to school. His fur was white as snow, so I named him Sugar.
Sugar was my bro. I told him everything, which as a military kid who moved every year and never got to make serious friends, ended up being quite a bit. Sugar and I loved watching the fish tank my mom had got me, I would just put my rocking chair up right in front of the tank and it was better than TV to me.
So we moved to a little town called Altus, Oklahoma. There was a girl next door who didn’t seem very nice, but she had a trampoline, so I was willing to deal with it, on the hopes of getting those sweet, sweet jumpy jumps.
She came over to our house first, just as a “getting to know you” first introduction, and Sugar was pulling recon with me. She asked if she could see my rabbit, and I thought hard: Could I trust her? Should I do it so we could be friends and jump on the trampoline? I decided it couldn’t hurt, after all, we were on me and Sug’s home turf.
I no sooner handed her my best friend than she snatched him away, tore off both of his arms and ripped him from stem to stern.
It was a long time in my life before I knew pain like that again.
Fortunately, I had a first-class trauma surgeon in my family, and Dr. Mom spent a solid 30 minutes in the operating suite (or dining room table, your call) fixing my boy up.
Sugar is still my point man for life.
23. What A Wonderful Person
My husband’s uncle’s wife died. They were married for thirty years, total sweethearts, and he was devastated. Aunt Dot was wonderful, everyone loved her. He couldn’t cope being alone so he put an ad out on match.com and the first woman to reply, he married. She is the definition of trash.
He brought her to our house to stay for a long weekend to help us put in a deck in our backyard and so we could meet her. She decided to buy a puppy on the drive over, which wasn’t potty trained. It was a Pomeranian and I thought it was full grown and housebroken. I’m at work when they arrive. I come home to urine puddles all over my living room, with her sitting on my couch on a new laptop he bought her. She wasn’t watching her puppy, just letting it roam.
I was in the kitchen at first and didn’t see what her puppy has done. Within five minutes, she told me how Aunt Dot’s adult children were terrible and trying to take his money, that they didn’t approve of her and on and on. Then I saw the dog. I have two dogs myself but she had locked them outside. Needless to say, their weekend was cut short and left early.
22. Thank God You Found Her
I had a “friend” staying with us for a while. She was trying to get back on her feet. I had just adopted a new kitten, about 10 weeks old. One day, I am standing in the kitchen, talking with said ‘friend’ when I hear my new kitty meowing, loudly, but sounds kind of muffled. I proceed to start looking around for her. She sounded distressed. Said “friend” just stands there, with a kind of crooked smile. So, I asked her where the kitten was. She said she had no idea. The meows are getting less and less, and I am walking all over the place, waiting for the next meow to lead me to her.
She.Was.In.The.Freezer. I pretty much screamed at the psycho, upon retrieving my shivering, confused and miserable kitten, “What did you do???” She smiled and said, “I thought you knew, cats love to be cold!” I told her, well, that’s just great, and since she claimed to love and understand cats so much, she will appreciate how cold she would be tonight…on the street….out of my house. I told her she had about 10 min to get her stuff and get out or not only would she be getting beat and I would be calling the police regarding her cruelty to animals. She left. Kitty survived to be 18 yrs old.
21. The Horror!
I went out of town for 3 weeks and asked a friend to house sit. In exchange, I would pay her. All I needed was mail collected and garden watered every day (takes about 25 mins), and pick the beans and cucumbers (maybe 15 mins).
She hung out in my house all day every day playing video games. She watered the garden once, for a couple of hours, the day before I was to come back.
Everything was dead. Beans and cucumbers dead on the vines and my pumpkins and squash all got powdery mildew. I actually cried. I had cleared that garden space the previous year from 20 years of blackberry bramble and fixed the soil.
20. What Kind Of Life Were These People Living?
Well my mother had a friend who had the most annoying kids on earth, they literally take food out of our fridge and eat it without permission and splash water in our bathroom and make a mess, and once, her son took sunflower seeds from our kitchen and started eating and spitting the shells on our couch, his mother just looked at him and laughed and my mother was looking at her like are you kidding me?
Needless to say this was the last visit.
19. I Should Buy A Boat
I live on a boat, it’s a cargo ship built in 1924 and converted into a live-aboard in the ’50s but it’s still a boat, we sail on it every summer pretty much. The first thing we tell guests is to be conservative with water because we have tanks that need to be filled and to not put ANYTHING in the toilets — the plumbing is much narrower than in a house and we have septic tanks that don’t handle cellulose very well.
It’s not even a problem because we have trash cans everywhere. Basically the idea is if you didn’t eat it or drink it first then it has no business being in the toilet. Yet some people just don’t get it or don’t care our tanks and pump can handle some toilet paper like in case of a slip-up or just general absent-mindedness. Long story short: people with a young kid came over, the kid needed a diaper change, mom proceeded to shove dirty diaper, and wet wipes into the toilet despite there being a very obvious sign and a trash can 20 cm away.
Obviously the next day everything died and we had to pull the whole toilet-plumbing-tank-pump system apart. Also, it was the middle of summer so yeah that was fun, needless to say, they were not invited over again.
18. Textbook Narcissist
My mother was in the middle of her fight with cancer – she had been flown overseas a few times, was in the middle of chemo and radiation, all while trying to work and take care of my elderly grandmother. She is one of the kindest and most compassionate people in our community so everyone was rightfully really concerned about her and her well being.
Except for her uncle – who came to the house frequently just to complain about his nonexistent medical ‘issues’ without asking ONCE how she was doing. Even on days when she was laying in a darkened bedroom shivering on a summer day and couldn’t come out to greet him because she felt so poorly – he’d still sit in our living room and loudly whine about how his doctor told him he’d have to change his diet for his blood pressure. She is the one who patiently listened and sympathized with him the most but did he return a pixel of her compassion? Of course not.
My mom has been in remission for years now and it still fills me with fury what a selfish narcissistic idiot he is.
17. Why Though?
I invited my neighbor over one day when we were having a BBQ in the backyard. I was making hamburgers and hotdogs. The neighbor asks for a hotdog with no bread. Then this jerk walks over to the condiments and unscrews the cap on the squeeze bottle of mustard and just dunks his dog in. He may as well just open the fridge and drink from the milk carton when he’s done with his hillbilly mustard dog.
16. What’s This Obsession With Throwing Other People’s Stuff Away?
My aunts and grandma were helping us move house this one time and apparently saw it as the ideal opportunity to chuck out anything of ours they didn’t like. It took so much arguing to get them to put stuff down and not touch it.
They were trying to throw out pictures, plates, mirrors, all sorts, some of it very useful, some of it simply stuff we liked. Then they acted like we were being ungrateful for their “help” when we kept having to ask them very forcefully to put down whatever it was they were attempting to throw out.
It’s not even like we had particularly wild taste, or were hoarders or anything. It was a very normal house. Like seriously, who has enough energy to care that passionately about other people’s decor choices?
15. Always Have Money For Everything… Except Rent
A friend became homeless so I took him in. He invited his boyfriend from another state to move in with us without consulting me. I didn’t say anything because I was terrified of living alone at the time (an ex was stalking me). He got a dog off of craigslist instead of paying rent. The dog hurt my little wiener dog and I had to deal with rehoming his dog because he couldn’t deal with the emotions. He misrepresented the situation to his boyfriend and made me sound like a terrible person.
My grandpa was in town and helped me move a futon out of storage to my home so my guests could stop sleeping on the couch. When we came inside the boyfriend was watching weird videos at his computer.
I left town for three days to visit a friend graduating from basic training. When I came back they had moved out into another friend’s house (after talking crap about me), the house was unlocked, there was no water for my dog or cat, instead of changing the cat litter they had dumped it right outside the back door, bottles and cans were everywhere (I don’t know how they could have afforded booze because they supposedly had no money), and a dirty magazine was left on my bed. They were there for less than three weeks.
A couple of months later, my friends’ lease expired. The couple had not yet gotten jobs. I let everyone else rent rooms from me. When my former guests asked, I was tired of them walking all over me and told them no.
14. Yeah That Seems Like A Logical Solution
A friend was house-sitting for me while I had a long weekend away. They said they would stop by two days out of the five to make sure everything was good and water my plants.
They showed up the day I left, unplugged my fridge and left.
Came home to everything rotten and it smelled like someone had stuffed a body in the fridge. Called and asked what happened and she said she was mad at me because her brand new boyfriend said I was cute. I was in a committed relationship with another woman at the time. Literally, the LAST person to be interested in her scumbag boyfriend.
13. Kitten Karma Is Swift And Unforgiving
In 6th grade, my parents got me my first cat for Christmas, a little black kitten that they got on a whim when they saw a ‘free kittens’ sign. Not too long after, I had a sleepover with two friends, A and C. A was a cat lover and C thought he was bad luck because he was a black cat.
Apparently, he walked in front of C kind of at the top of the stairs, and she kicked him and he fell down the stairs. A and I were naturally upset and let her have it; C said she was sorry and she wouldn’t do it again.
In the morning as we were still laying around in the living room, my kitten was sniffing around C’s sleeping bag. She was uncomfortable but didn’t say or do anything because she knew we would kick her out of our friend group. He kneaded a minute or so, then did a couple of spins, and sprayed all over her sleeping bag. It was the most wonderful delivery of karma I had ever seen. He was fixed shortly thereafter.
12. He Lost His Balls
When I was about 13, a guy from school joined the same cricket club as me in my village (despite living nowhere near), so my mum would pick us both us from school, feed us at home then we would walk up to the club.
Whilst playing football in the garden before training started, he accidentally kicked the ball over the fence into my elderly neighbor’s garden. I asked him to be careful as they often spent time in the garden and had asked us to be careful with balls many times before.
He decided to get every ball in my garden and kick or throw them over the fence (including rock hard cricket and hockey balls), one by one until there were none left while saying nothing, just staring at me.
11. Unwelcome Doesn’t Even Begin To Describe It
A little while back, I had some college friends stay over for their fantasy draft.
All the guys in the league were in town to draft and party so we hosted two guys, Kevin and Paul. I have known both for years, we all went to college together, it’s cool.
I had been running for a year (never exercised before) and had trained hard for 6 weeks to run a 15k the same day they were drafting. So the run goes great, but I’m exhausted after.
Meanwhile, the guys are golfing and drinking all day. They rush home to change and head to a specific wing place that has fantasy draft specials. I’m home when they come to change and meet another member of the league, ‘Mic,’ who has known Kevin since they were kids. He’s pretty tipsy.
So they leave and I go to bed before they come back. They all come home pretty dinged up, which is totally fine. Turns out Mic is going to crash on the other couch, he definitely couldn’t drive. My partner gets in the shower in our master bathroom that is only accessed through our master bedroom, super common. I’m exhausted in bed and all of a sudden someone busts through our door and into the bathroom.
It’s Mic. He starts vomiting chicken wings into the sink, not in the toilet next to it, into the sink. All the while my partner is yelling at him to move to the toilet. Side note; we do have another bathroom that was closer to him and empty. Anyway, both Kevin and Paul rush to ‘help’ and try to shove to food down the bathroom drain, because you know, we have a garbage disposal in our bathroom… Finally, they began scooping it out into a trash bag. I remained in bed with my back turned and pretended to be asleep.
After the chicken-sink fiasco, Mic settled down and passed out. My partner finally got into bed and apologized, had a little laugh, began to fall asleep. Not even 60 seconds passed before the silence was broken with Mic screaming, “I’M GOING TO POOP MYSELF.” Of course you are, Mic, of course you are. He was ushered to the proper bathroom, he used the toilet correctly to the best of our knowledge, crisis averted! Right?
Fast forward 15 minutes to us being woken up by a heated argument in our living room. Mic was at it again….this time choosing the laundry room as the ideal spot to vomit. Thankfully, he was redirected away from my washer and dryer I had just paid off and threw up in the bathroom. He was convinced he was the guest of the year for choosing the washing machine, instead of throwing up on the sheets.
The next morning he left before anyone woke up and sent my partner a passive-aggressive apology.
10. It Wasn’t That Kind Of Flight
A friend asked to stay at my apartment to more conveniently grab a flight the next day. The next morning kept complaining they didn’t have enough space in my one-bedroom apartment, demanded they be given their own space, so I went for a walk.
When I came back they quickly left for their flight. Found they stole my bus pass, around $80 in cash, and a bunch of my baking supplies?
A couple of days later I found out there was no flight and they only asked to stay because they wanted to raid my apartment.
9. Never Disrespect A Man’s Stickers
When I was about eight our family did a house swap with another family because they lived near London and we lived near the coast so it was a change for both families and a cheap way to holiday.
One of their dumb kids who stayed in my bedroom peeled off my glow-in-the-dark stickers off my bookcase because they said they were stopping them from being able to sleep, which is a total lie because there’s no way they could be bright enough to stop anyone sleeping.
That was thirty-three years ago and as you can tell I’m completely over it now.
8. I Guess You Needed To Be A Bit More Specific
Not my home, but we were having a “Friendsgiving” at our friend’s apartment, who I’ll call H. Now, mind you, this lady had been cooking non-stop by herself for the Thanksgiving feast. Turkey, sides, some pies, everything. The girl had been working hard to make this awesome feast (which I might add was delicious).
The one thing she didn’t get to was stuffing, so she asked someone if they could bring stuffing. One guy volunteers the day before (he chose to do this, it’s important to remember that) to bring stuffing. Come the time to eat, stuffing man isn’t there. The food’s all laid out waiting to be eaten, but stuffing man is like 10 minutes late.
Finally, we get a call saying he’s picking up his stuffing and coming over. Great, we can wait a little longer. He arrives and what does he have? A box of stuffing. Not made. He literally went to the store and bought a box of stuffing, without having even made it. When we asked him what he was doing with the box, he said: “Oh, H can just make it for us.” At that point, we all wanted to give him some slaps to the face. H made the stuffing, but you could tell that it seriously upset her and I don’t blame her.
Ever since that, we literally don’t give him any task or duties in terms of organizing fun things. Anytime he asks why we don’t trust him, we just tell him to stuff it.
7. I Hate Surprises
I had a “friend” I hadn’t seen in YEARS that lives in another state decide to “surprise” me and fly down when I was 2 weeks postpartum (after a c section to boot)… strike one.
Then she spent the entire weekend hitting on my husband. He’s a super laid back guy and even he was wildly uncomfortable. We haven’t spoken since.
6. Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls
My brother once lived with a bunch of his buddies renting a house. One day one of them gets a big bag of packing peanuts from the post office and dumps it down the stairs to make a waterfall.
Then they sat there for months, dude never picked them up. Any time someone would tell him to pick them up the dude would grab a small handful, toss it in the trash and go back to what he was doing.
When pressed to do more he would say “there’s too many of them.”
5. No Thank You For Smoking
I live on a 30-year-old wood yacht. I was taking one of my friends out, and she asked if she could bring her roommate. I said sure. As you enter there is a big bronze plaque that says no smoking. Sure enough while we are out the roommate lights up without asking. I just stood staring in disbelief… 30 years and you are the first person to smoke on my boat/home… I really wanted her to swim home.
4. She Called His Bluff
The guy who we invited to our weekly poker game after he creepily found out about it from a mutual friend and invited himself. It was around Christmas time, so he brings two fruit cakes and tells my roommate and I (girls) in front of our other friends (mostly guys), that the cakes are just for us because they’re low in “sat fat” (his obnoxious way of saying saturated fat) and “girls don’t wanna get fat.”
He then proceeded to play like an absolute idiot: splashing the pot, trying to bet under the minimum, folding out of turn, etc. He was loud and rude and kept saying weird things all night.
Just as everyone was getting thoroughly sick of him, he turns to me and asks me if I want to go on a date sometime. In front of about 12 other people. I was not in any way attracted to this guy, nor had I done anything to encourage him to think so. I told him no as nicely as I could, but he persisted.
He asked me out again, and said: “If you say no this time everyone will know it’s because you think you’re better than me and I’m not good enough to go out with you.”
Of course, I wanted to tell him that I thought he was a jerk and that’s why I didn’t want to go out with him, but I didn’t want to end up in a fight. I sputtered out something about not wanting to date anyone at the moment and he more or less accepted it and shut up. We never invited him back and we had poker at someone else’s house for two months after, just to be sure he wouldn’t show up.
He later got arrested for threatening to shoot his neighbor over a parking spot he’d shoveled out.
3. Moral Of The Story: Don’t Trust People With Kids
A friend broke up with her husband and stopped at my place one night while driving across the country with her two young kids and her entire house packed up.
No notice but she’s a friend so I didn’t hesitate to open my door, feed, wash, and give everything needed.
The next morning I had to go to work. I absolutely had to. She’s like “no problem, I’ll lock up on the way out.”
I came home to a trashed house.
She took a nap (I don’t blame her) but the kids didn’t. There was maple syrup in the carpets of three rooms and most surfaces, because kids, cats and syrup… Condiments were strewn across the kitchen, which was also flooded with milk. The cereal was found in and under the couches. Poor kids tried to make breakfast.
What angered me the most was that she saw the mess when she woke and bolted.
2. That’s Got To Be The Coolest Landlord In The World
My roommate was probably the worst house guest our landlord ever had.
My roommates and I lived in a basement suite in a house during our second year of university, with the landlord upstairs. Luckily she was the coolest landlord who ever existed and was fine with us throwing parties every weekend pretty much. She had rented to a group of musicians for years before us and was accustomed to the noise.
One time she came down the set of stairs connecting the upper and lower suites to drop off some mail. The door in our basement is normally locked from the outside so we can’t go upstairs through it but she must have forgotten to lock it back up on her way out.
Later that night we noticed that one of our friends, John, had disappeared. His shoes were still by the door so we assumed he had walked outside barefoot. We didn’t really make much of it because he suddenly appeared back half an hour later.
The next day the landlord comes down and says that we had an “escapee” last night. We were all confused for a moment but then it all clicks for us at the same time, JOHN!
She recounted the story of what happened to us. Turns out John had been feeling adventurous and without realizing what he was doing, opened the door to the upstairs and walked up. He made his way to the fridge, opened it and started eating handfuls of pie straight from the tin.
Not only was she cool enough to not immediately call the police or put an end to our party, she started talking to him. She asked him how old he was. “19” (we are Canadian so we are legal to drink). She follows up with “how long have you been 19?” Thinking it was his birthday which would explain the excessive drunkenness. His answer to that was “I’ve been 19 for 2 years. I’m from Campbell River (a small town in BC), where time moves incredibly slowly.”
After her laughing at his joke and finishing his handful of pie she escorted him back downstairs like nothing had ever happened
1. Hyper-Masculinity Strikes Again
This was a guy I was seeing.
My son at the time was 2 and a half, he had a teddy he brought EVERYWHERE with him. It didn’t bother me cause kids like comfort toys. Well, this guy had an issue with it.
So we’re out on my balcony and my son had shown this guy his teddy bear, he then grabbed the bear threw it over the balcony and told my son to grow up because bears are for babies.