Cop here - got a call of a domestic dispute that sounded very heated and a lot of banging was heard. Get to scene and I can hear someone yelling and swearing and brawling, doesn’t sound good at all. Guy answers the door, shirt off and angry, but seems bewildered as to why police had been called.

He told me he was building IKEA furniture - sounds like the most BS thing. But, we enter, see the new IKEA furniture half set up and no one else is home. Colour me surprised.

During a search of a person I pulled out a bag of a sticky dark substance consistent with smack. The subject had multiple priors and is a known heavy user and abuser. He immediately tells me it is burnt sugar and he is furious because someone sold it to him. Long story short -- when I tested the substance it did not test positive for anything illicit.

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I'm running booking one night, guy gets brought in for possessing a truly stupendous amount of substances. Im talking like 2 Rubbermade totes full of mushrooms, a huge bag of herb, and enough horse to overdose half the county. "Well," says he, "I'm a DEA informant and they told me to make the drop so they could be there and raid the crap out of everybody and let me go for helping."

Uh huh. Riiiiiight. Face left please.

Guy is like, "I'm tellin you dude, they're gonna be suuuuper mad that you country bumpkins screwed up their bust!"

Whatever, get in the holding cell and shut up.

About 3 hours later three guys show up, DEA agents. They're super mad that our deputies screwed up their bust. I go back to the holding cell to let the guy out, and he's just like, "They're super mad, huh?"

Yeah.

"Told you so."

Former marechaussee here (look it up it is a Dutch thing, police but also military). We also had jurisdiction over the American soldiers stationed here.

One day we got called over to a possible case of domestic violence. We arrive at the house and the guy opened wearing only underwear. He told us he and his wife were roleplaying. Of course, we didn't trust this and asked to see his wife. After denying us entry we told him we would come back with a warrant. He reluctantly agreed to let us enter.

So we go in and he opened the basement door and inside was the freakiest sex dungeon. I mean chains, whips things I couldn't identify hanging on the wall. And in the middle hanging in chains was his gagged wife. We asked her but she told us everything was okay.

Turned out they were really into some odd stuff. Asked them to keep the screaming part in the basement and to a minimal. We did the whole thing with a straight face but as soon as we were in the car...

I'll throw my hat into the ring as a defence attorney.

Guy pulled over for impaired driving and charged later. My boss gets the criminal complaint and the guy shows up for his initial appearance and tells her he hadn't been drinking despite horrifically failing the sobriety test. She's literally sitting next to him and he's obviously hammered again, disappointing but not uncommon for people with abuse issues.

The deputies arrest him for bail jumping because he drove himself to court that day and while out on bail he's not supposed to drink. He adamantly denies drinking.

Blood tests come back. He didn't drink. Dude's diabetic without knowing it and naturally got himself "woozy" because sometimes when it goes untreated, diabetes can cause symptoms that look just like intoxication. Got him some insulin and the charges dismissed.

I went to a disturbance at a backyard bbq once. As I was trying to figure out what was going on I had some old lady approach me and want to talk to me off to the side.

She told me she was an informant for the FBI and that if I left, she would be able to get some information on a matter the FBI was interested in. I rolled my eyes and thanked her and said I would be out of there as soon as I could make sure there was no violence going on.

Anyway I determined it was just verbal so I cleared the call and went back in service. About 15 to 30 minutes later dispatch radioed me to head back to the station. I got there and got a message to call some FBI Field office and ask for a certain agent.

I called and sure as rain this agent said he understood I spoke with his informant and wanted to know everything she told me.

Blew my mind.

I was driving with my fiancé and we went through a road block where they checked registration and stuff. When we get to the cops they ask for our registration. I’m sitting in the passenger seat so I open up the glovebox and right there is a clear, unmarked baggie filled to the brim with catnip. I completely forgot it was there and just froze. Wide-eyed, I turned to look at the cop shining his light through my open window and he’s frozen too, just staring at the baggie with this look on his face like “really?”

I just started immediately professing “omg I swear to god this is catnip, you can take it and smell it or test it or whatever like I swear”. And at this point it’s just so ridiculous that I start cracking up, and the cop takes it and reasonably deduces I’m telling the truth, and he starts laughing and calls his partner over and tells her what happened and they both just cackled away for a minute and sent us on our way.

Mid July in like 2008? Young kid going 93 in a 55... I swing in and he immediately pulls over. Approaching the car, his first words before I can even start speaking, "My dog died, he hung himself! I gotta get back before my mom gets home!"

Uh. What?

Anyway, he calls other family members. His aunt, Uncle and 2 cousins come out to the stop and between all their sobbing, they verify that the dog had actually hopped over the fence on a leash/runner and couldn't get back over. Everyone's crying now. They showed me a photo on their phone. Apparently they found the dog and called the kid at work and he just left. I didn't even bother verifying further than that. Cousin drove the kid's car back so they could take care of the dog and prepare for Mom.

Some said that I should have wrote him, but losing an animal sucks enough, he knew he messed up and adding financial burden to him wasn't going to help him or me.

I got pulled over for driving to school at 10am. The cop wanted to know why I was skipping school. I explained that our little town's girls basketball team just won State and since the game was so far away they let us start that day at 10:30am.

He followed me all the way to the school so he could ask the principal. I still don't know what was illegal about driving to school at 10am, but he was kind of a whack job.

Go to respond to a woman who has been attacked by her cat. Her injuries were crazy, COVERED aim blood, her scalp is literally shredded, huge lacerations etc. I know cats are known to do some damage but the story wasn’t fitting and she was so sketchy about anyone going in her house. Adamantly refuses to let anyone inside because she thinks they’re going to take away her cat. “He didn’t mean to, he was just excited by the birds." Turns out her cat was a lynx.

I was the one with the excuse!

Forgot my keys at friends place before going out drinking that night. Get home at 2 am, no keys. Only one of our windows didn't have ghetto bars so I took the screen out and starting pushing/smacking it up (locks were on the sides only providing friction). As I'm halfway in, i just feel "WUMP!"

Got tackled into the house, the officer was still outside, holding onto my ankles. I look up and just said, "I'm astonished by your response time! I actually live here, let me get up, unlock the door, and give you my ID." So I did, and he stares at it for a second, then says sorry and sprints off to look for the person they were actually in the area looking for.

Not a cop. Family friend was. Pulled a guy over who was speeding profusely. Guy was obviously disheveled. He said he was headed to the hospital because he had a tick on his junk. Cop was confused, but he escorted him there, then waited in the lobby to check on him/ see if he was blowing smoke. After a while, he asked the desk what was going on, why it took so long to take a tick off his junk.

Her reply: “It wasn’t on it. It was in it.”

Not a cop but I had a run in with one that was really funny once. When I was 18, I was on a double date with a friend, and we stepped out of a restaurant to smoke. A cop came up and started harassing us, telling us there had been break ins into cars in the area. Eventually, he said he needed to pat us down, and he pulled a brown paper bag out of my friend's pocket. He got a smug look on his face and asked, "So, what's in here, huh?"

My friend said, "The Emancipation Proclamation" with a completely straight face.

The cop opened the bag, pulled out a small booklet, got embarrassed, and let us go. My friend had been to the Lincoln Museum earlier that day and did actually have a small copy of the Emancipation Proclamation in his pocket.

I had a run in with the cops a few years ago and I wonder exactly what they thought when they first stopped me.

I had taken a cab back from a work party and I was pretty out of it. My friend and I had just moved to this new apartment so I accidentally gave the cab driver the wrong address. I ended up on a block that looked very similar to mine and a building that looked like mine. There were two doors before getting to my apartment door, which was on the first floor. Like my apartment building they left the first door unlocked and locked the second door. I kept trying my keys to open it but I couldn't and was confused. I went outside to look for my car and it wasn't parked there. That's when I realized I was on the wrong block.

I started walking in the direction I thought my apartment was when a cop car pulls up. They ask me what I'm doing and I tell them, "I'm really slammed and I just want to go home," which was the honest truth. They told me they got a call about someone trying to get into an apartment building. I guess the people in that apartment building woke up and thought I was trying to break in. They were super suspicious of me at first, but eventually it became clear I was just some idiot and not a burglar. They ran me through to make sure I didn't have warrants or anything and when I checked out they offered me a ride home.

The ride back was hilarious because when we were getting to my apartment I tried telling them that it was a bit complicated to get to because of all the one-way streets. The officer driving was like, "Who do you think you're with?" and then turned on the lights and went the wrong way down the street to get me home faster. It honestly felt like I was with the two cops from Superbad.

I used to work as a military police officer. I was working at the main gate one night and this guy tried to come on base but he didn’t have any ID other than a drivers license so I couldn’t let him on. The guy told me that a general said he could come on but he didn’t have any proof of that and he didn’t know what the general's name was. It was also super late at night and he didn’t seem to have any answers that would help us identify who he was. Long story short, the dude ended up being legit and was coming on base to be awarded a silver star the next day from that general.

My first ever real call was for a flasher at the local park. When I got there and finally found him it was a mentally impaired young man 16-17 who had a pair of headphones on. I said, "Hey man come here what the heck is going on? You know you have to keep your pants on especially at the park."

He goes on to tell me he had bad itching down his pants and couldn't take it anymore so he had to rip his pants off and was running home to get help. I said, "C'mon you couldn't make it home first?" He said, "No, I had ants in my pants." As sure as you please according to more then one witness’s account, he had been sitting in a sandbox playing at the park and accidentally sat on a nest of red ants that had crawled up his pant legs.

Again: this was my first ever call.

Former Park Ranger.

First week in the job we pull up and see a couple of kids smoking in their car with the windows down. The city has an ordinance against smoking on park property, but it is too petty to give them a ticket.

We approach the car and they are visibly nervous. My training officer looks through the windows and sees a couple of beer cans in the car. Bingo.

We get them out and start running their info; they are all underage but old enough to smoke cigarettes. My training officer asks them where the cans came from -- the driver says he recycles. My training officer laughs and begins to search the car.

I'm finishing up running their info, and these guys are being really respectful. Training officer finishes searching the cab and goes to open the trunk. All the sudden I hear him bust out laughing. He is laughing so hard he can barely breathe.

He waves me over to look at the trunk of the car and it is level with crushed cans and bottles.

My training officer said that he has heard that excuse for 20 years and this is the first time it was true. He walked up, uncuffed the driver and let him go.

Not a cop but I did get stopped by one for eating a taco.

I worked at a community college in LA that had a high school right next to it. Well there was a lot of substances sold through the fence at the high school; so there was always a cops driving up and down the street between the schools. Couldn't get a parking pass since I just worked at the school so I always parked on that street.

Hit up taco bell for lunch and was sitting in my car eating my double decker tacos, when a cop drove past. Next thing I know he's flipping a u-turn and heading right for me. He slides to a stop driver window to driver window and yells at "what the heck do you think you're doing?" Stunned I just said "eating my lunch". Well he isn't buying it and says I'm hiding something. I just hold up my taco and looked so confused. He burst out laughing and pealed out.

Saw him a few times after that and he always waved and had the biggest grin on his face.

One of the funnier ones that I remember. We got a call for a kid (he was 18 and a gang member) brandishing a firearm. He had pulled up his shirt pretending to brandish a firearm to intimidate somebody. The person calling only saw a holster. After we got there, he kept telling us it wasn't a gun but an adult toy. We took him down at gunpoint and he was right. He was walking around with a holstered *ahem* marital aid. Why? Because he could.

So it's the holiday season a few years ago. I work at a coffee shop at the time and go to a co-worker's New Years ugly sweater party Have a few drinks until 10pm then switch to water. My one friend gets to talking to me about tea cause we work with coffee and tea - gives me a teabag in a plastic baggy. I put it in my pocket.

2am rolls around and I leave but I am tired. I want to get home and get to sleep, so I'm blasting music to keep me awake and probably going a little too fast but not drastically so.

Anyway the party lights kick on behind me and I pull over. We go through the questions. Where you coming from? Where you going? You been drinking? Doing anything else?

I blow clean on the breathalyzer. I walk the line fine. Balance on one leg. Then one of the cops pats me down and reaches my pocket.

Him: "Son. What do you have in your pocket?"

Me: "It's tea, officer."

Him, about as dubious as you can expect: "You expect me to believe you have tea in your pocket."

Me: "My friend gave it to me."

At this point his partner looks to be trying not to laugh at the absurdity of this situation.

He holds out his hand while I fumble around and withdraw the plastic baggy from my pants pocket, complete with the single serving of tea neatly labeled, and hand it to the suddenly bewildered officer.

Him: "Why in the world do you have tea in your pocket??"

Me: "I like tea, officer..."

I respond in probably the most matter of fact way possible. How partner finally gives up on restraining his laughter. The other cop gives me the tea back and tells me to go home and sleep. I never could bring myself to try that tea - I still have it in the same bag on my shelf.

Stopped a guy on a suspended registration and he started getting upset, but not at me.

I ask him why he's so upset, he says it's the wife's car, she stopped making payments and it got suspended. On top of that he was mad because he was on the way to the new GF's and she was probably gonna dump him if he no-showed her.

I issued him a criminal ticket, thinking he was gonna back off and leave the story. Instead he goes, "I totally get why you gave me a ticket, but I don't want this girl to dump me. She's really special. Can you give me a ride there?" I say fine, but you have to introduce me... again thinking he'd back off the story.

He agrees and away we go. Were sitting outside and this girl refuses to come out, so he puts me on the phone. I tell her that its either she comes out and says hi or I bring him to jail.

Out she comes... and she's a lovely person, inside and out. Dude hit the freaking jackpot.

He also plead guilty to the ticket haha... I never told him to do that but I got a kick out of it. I like to think it was him giving me a wave back.

Police officer here. Three years ago, the station got a call about a 'ghost' in someone's house. I arrived on the scene, this woman of about forty was standing in her front yard. The house is upper middle class, pretty bland.

She swears there is a ghost inside. The only reason we didn't disregard the call is because she claimed there was screaming in her attic. She claimed the ghost was doing it, I was supposed to make sure an animal wasn't stuck up there or something. She explains she has been hearing this screaming and bumping on the walls the past two days, she is the only one who lives there, no pets who could cause it, neighbors are in vacation. So, of course, the logical explanation is a ghost.

She was far too afraid to check the attic, so I head up there. It was full of cobwebs and musty, and of course the only lightbulb didn't work. I take a step, and all the sudden I hear banging and muffled yelling. Navigating with my flashlight, I head over to the source, a corner in the far back.

There was a homeless guy there. His leg had fallen through the floor and was stuck, and he couldn't get out. He started crying tears of joy when I walked over, thanking me and asking for help simultaneously. I pull him out, trying to scratch his leg as little as possible, and lead him outside after letting him stop and get some water.

He told me he was just looking for a place to spend the night, and I felt like he had gotten punished enough for his trespass. Fortunately, so did the woman.

Not a cop but I have a very common name and got pulled over for driving across the medium and there was a warrant out for me for battery and assault or something

As it turns out, a guy with the exact same name and birthday born in the same city as me and it took me about 20 mins if pleading to get the officers to realize I did not match the description.

I deal with this dude every once in a while as it turns out our socials are off by one digit. If I ever see him we are going to have a long talk.

We explained the situation to the cop while we waited for our friend to get out of the bathroom but I'm not sure he bought it even after 'Jimmy' came out laughing. He gave 'Jimmy' a serious look and asked, "do you know these individuals?" Like why would someone be all calm and laughing if two strangers had broken into their house?

Not a cop, but when I was in university I went to a party and got totally loaded. I decided I shouldn’t go to the bar and started walking home. En route, I remember specifically deciding I was too out of it, a cop was going to pick me up, and I should stay at my friends Brent and Scott’s place.

I walked through the front door, kicked off my shoes, yelled up the stairs that it was just me (I’d done this before) and crashed on the couch.

Roughly an hour and a half later, maybe around 1:30 in the morning, I wake up in cuffs. I’m a really heavy sleeper, with driks in my system or not, so they were having a real tough time waking me.

Finally I wake, realize I can’t move my arms, and see two cops and a family of 4. Holy crap, what had happened.

The family is just staring at me and the cops start demanding answers. Naturally, I’m like, “Ugh, is Brent here?” The cops are not impressed.

Finally, after about 20 minutes of them shouting at me, I kind of clue in. I ask them the date, it was May 1st. Their lease had literally expired the day before and the new tenants moved in.

I explained and explained and finally asked the cop if I could call them and prove it. They let me, and I had the cop ask him what his address was the day before - Brent recited the same one I had been sleeping in.

They still gave me a ticket, but no trespassing ticket and they drove me home.

Had a domestic in progress I responded to during Christmas Day and the excuse for them fighting was: "We're not mad at each other, we're just upset because we wanted to surprise the kids for Christmas. So we got some Deer, dressed them up, now they're destroying our house."

Turns out there were literally three fully grown white-tailed deer in the house somehow dressed with full bell harnesses like Santa's reindeer.

I had to call the Game Wardens down who were then able to help me remove the deer from the property without injury to us or them.

How they managed to get the deer and dress them up is still a mystery to this day.

I pulled someone over and his eyes where swollen like pink eye. So I thought he had something funny in his system but he said he was just crying because his cat died. I didn't really believe him but my shift has just stared. So I have him take me to his house in the squad car. When we pull up it smells like skunk and I see a giant tent in the backyard. When we walked into back there, I saw a gravestone and it read "In loving memory of Fluffy." I still don’t know if that’s the real reason his eyes where red and bloodshot or not but I let him go.

We finally catch the bat and everything is silent for a few moments until there's a bang on the door. Dad answers it and calls us girls over. To explain that there was indeed a bat and no one was being killed like the neighbors thought. The officers looked so done with life after we talked to them.